C'mon Over!

Hi, everyone!

Just wanted to let you know that I'll no longer be updating this site. I know it's been more than two months anyway, BUT I'm doing a massive life overhaul! I'm creating my life, becoming who I want to be, and part of that is getting to a healthy weight.

Head over to My Created Life to see what I'm up to, and how successful I am when I get back on the weight loss wagon this summer.

See you there!

Decision.

I've decided to quit WW ... for the time being. I've decided to quit trying to make myself want to "stick with it".

What I'm going through right now, where this journey is concerned, is not unlike how I felt when we were trying -- desperately -- to have children. I just got to the point where I had to let it go because it was making me crazy. The sense of failure and feeling "broken" was just too much to handle.

I can't make myself want to lose weight. I've been trying to do just that for months. And I'm giving myself headaches over it. A civil war in one's own head is not the best entertainment. I don't want to play anymore.

Maybe when the weather warms up, I'll feel differently.

Maybe when I have time to focus just on the weight loss, I can get myself back on a roll. That's what happened last time; I started August 1st and had everything well in hand by the time "real life" began again in September.

I'm okay. I'm just being realistic. With me trying to go back to school, money is tight, and I just can't justify spending the money on WW when it's oh-so-obvious I just don't want to do it.

Maybe in July, I'll start over totally fresh. New membership number and new starting point. Maybe simply getting "my first five-pound star" all over again will be enough to keep me focused.

But for now ... For now, I'll just sleep in on Saturdays.

Coping

I haven't waved a white flag yet, but this week is a battle I'm tiring of. Daylight Savings always messes me up and I'm sleepy and cranky and just eating little things as I go along.

More later, after I get home from work, take a nap, and become human again. :)

Not making the meeting today

Have massive migraine. Probably a combination of the once-a-monther and the weather. Hubby worked really, really late last night, so I'm not going to ask him to drive me to weigh in.

Headache started yesterday morning and let up for about five hours yesterday afternoon/last night, then came back.

Going back to bed now. Just wanted to check in.

Feeling a smidge emotional

I'm sitting here sniffing. Although it's "Bawl Your Eyes Out in Between Wanting to Stuff Your Face" Week, I think this would've gotten to me anyway.

It started innocently enough. The zipper on my little blue WW bag broke, so when I went last week, I exchanged it for a new one. There was a form to fill out, and I emptied all of the stuff out of the old one and put it into the new one, and I was finished -- or so I thought.

I just checked the mail and there was an envelope from WW's Regional Office . Great, I laughed. How do they know I haven't journalled a single thing today?

Well, somehow I'd missed a pocket in my old blue bag -- my "treasures" pocket -- when I transferring my stuff from one bag to the other. When I left behind the old bag, I accidentally left some things in it. And so, when I opened up the envelope from Regional Office today, my old friends were there to greet me. (Until then, I hadn't even known they were lost.)

To whoever opened that pocket, found my things and took the time to send them back to me:

You not only saved some of my most precious keepsakes, but because you actually saw them, I feel as if I've shared my journey with you. You saw the cards my good friend, co-worker and "unofficial head cheerleader" Steve gave to me in 2000, including the one he drew specifically for me. You carefully packed up my ribbons, those cards and my bookmark, and you made sure that I got them all back.

Because they came out of an envelope when I was least expecting it, you made me see all these things with new eyes, forcing me to focus on my accomplishments, and taking my attention away from feeling like a failure. Somehow knowing that a perfect stranger saw these things, knows that I've lost 50 pounds and that I have a friend named Steve who delighted in congratulating me -- somehow that makes my past successes more tangible. I have shared this journey with who-knows-how-many strangers via this blog, but you are the first stranger to make me cry. *grin*

From the bottom of my heart -- thank you.

(If anyone reading this knows how to pass along that message, please do. It would mean a great deal to me.)

Birthday Setback

This is a confession and that is all. My head has already bounced back.

What is it about special occasions that make us feel entitled to eat badly? Yesterday was, of course, my birthday. Hubby, being very conscious of me being back on program, brought me home a little individual-sized birthday carrot cake from the Superstore. He even tried to get the nutritional information for me, but the dept manager who would know where to find it had already gone home for the day.

I enjoyed my birthday cake (he even put a candle on it for me, but said that the other 37 wouldn't fit). But after ignoring persistent thoughts that popped into my head all day "Boston Pizza sent me a coupon for a free dessert today; Pizza Delight will let me have a free lunch buffet today ...", I only had so much will left. It was 8 PM, and I was hungry (having postponed supper because I wasn't sure what Hubby and I were doing meal-wise until he came home). So I wound up eating seven of those hash brown potato patties (also known as how ever many would fit on the pan). They were baked, not fried, and might even count as my missing vegetables, but I'm guessing they came in somewhere at twenty points or so.

Oops.

So because of that, and because I've been really bad about getting the water in the last two days, I'm up a little this morning. But no worries.

I'm back in the game.

The Aftermath of Sulking

Well, last night I came home instead of hitting the Chinese buffet. I was hungry and sulking, and ate 9.2 flex points above and beyond what I had left. That probably amounts to about three chicken balls, though, so I guess we'll grudgingly count it as a success. But I still want Chinese food.

My birthday is going well so far. I forgot to hop on the scale before drinking my morning pop, so I'll wait and do it tomorrow, rather than look at flawed data.

The weather is really blechy today. I must've been a bad girl to have this on my birthday. *grin*

(sulking)

I had managed to convince myself that I was going to go to the Chinese buffet. After all, tomorrow is my birthday.

And then I ran into Monic at the Bulk Barn. Monic is very health conscious and has always been supportive of my efforts. So I confessed and, as I knew she would, she said not to go.

So I didn't.

But I am allowed to pout. So I am.

Going okay

Just checking in quickly -- I have to go have breakfast.

So far, my week is going okay. Last night at my cousin's, we had tacos and salad. I had only eaten less than half my points for the day when I got there, and I'm going to make sure I eat no more than 20 flex points this week, so I'm sure I'll be just fine.

I've lost four pounds since Saturday, and aside from not getting all of my water in (I keep forgetting to start early in the day), I'm doing okay with everything else.

Already, I feel better physically. I just wish I were a little smaller right now.

I really need to fit back into my old jacket.

Day Two Almost Over

There's a serious case of the munchies stalking me tonight. I've got room, flex-wise, if necessary, but I'd rather not go that route. I've already used 6.8 flex this week (in the last ninety minutes, in fact). I'm going to my cousin's place for dinner tomorrow night (a situation in which I have no control over the menu, and won't have a clue of the nutritionals), and then my birthday is on Wednesday. Best to keep as much "in the bank" as possible.

I have Fruities, and I'm not afraid to use them.

Frank was very rewarding this morning, though. That's what I love about the first week back on track -- I had a 2.6 lb drop overnight. The sooner I'm out of the 260s, the happier I'll be!

Did I tell you my 20-year high school reunion is coming up in June? Let's just say that this year's pictures are already going to be a lot better than the last time around. *grin*

We went out to drop off a couple of movies to Hubby's sisters' kids today. On the way there and home, we passed two McDonalds, a Taco Bell/KFC, three Tim Hortons, two Subways, a Quiznos, a Wendy's, and a Greco Pizza. And those were just the ones I noticed, before tucking my head down and moaning softly.

Yup -- the first week is the hardest.

Riceworks Gourmet Brown Rice Chips

I'm not a chocolate girl. (I'm not even keen on chocolate ice cream. I know -- I'm weird.) But give me something salty with a serious crunch, and I'm happy.

Found these about a month ago at the Superstore (and have since seen a better selection of flavours, at thirty cents more expensive, at the Bulk Barn).

I LOVE these! I've tried both the Sea Salt and the Sweet Chili, and they're awesome. My favourite trick is to scatter some Sea Salt ones on a plate, sprinkle some grated cheese over top, and then nuke for instant nachos. I want to try the Salsa Fresca next, but I haven't stumbled across them yet.

You can have about 10 good-sized chips (28 g) for 3.2 points, and it's quite satisfying. They're thicker than your average tortilla chip, so there's more crunch. (I'm all about the crunch -- it's the key to my satisfaction.)

You can check out their website for more information. I highly recommend these.

The First Night

The conversation in my bed last night went something like this:

STOMACH: Uh, hello? I'm empty.

KJ: I'm hungry.

HUBBY: That's because it's working.

STOMACH: Yo! You stopped feeding me more than two hours ago. You want me to waste away to nothing?!

KJ: I'm hungry.

HUBBY: The first week is the hardest.

STOMACH: FEED ME NOW, DAMMIT!!!

KJ: I'm really hungry.

HUBBY: Just try to go to sleep.

STOMACH: What the hell is WRONG with you, WOMAN?! Why aren't we going TO THE KITCHEN?!

KJ: (sighs) I'm really, really hungry.

HUBBY: It'll get easier.

STOMACH: I'm a BIG, EMPTY SPACE! I'm DYING HERE! HURRY UP AND ...

(STOMACH's wailing is abruptly cut off as KJ rolls over on top of it and tries to go to sleep.)

Progress Gallery

Maybe I should have warned you. This picture is not for the faint of heart (despite Mindy's excellent photography skills!)

Now that Blogger allows labels, and since I've shut down the old Frank and Jim website, I've decided to place a gallery of progress pictures here. Nothing tells the story quite like a picture (and if I needed something to get me past the drive-thrus and safely home today, this picture was it!) .

If you look on the sidebar to the left, under "The Journey" you'll see a link called "Progress Pictures". Just click that and it'll bring up all of the posts with pictures in chronological order. (March 11, 2006 -- before all hell broke loose in my life -- is my personal favourite. *grin*)

I TOLD you I'd be back *grin*

So, here I am, getting ready to "get back on the bus".

I just weighed myself and, although I'm sure that a fair portion of the number has to do with the two pounds of pizza I ate last night (it was even advertised as such on the box!), it's still up there. But when I look back at my highest number in August of 2005, I'm still almost 30 pounds lighter than I was then. In other words, I haven't gained it all back, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I define partial success.

So, I suppose you're wondering where I've been. Well, I had to take a break. Not just from the blog, and going to the WW meetings, but from the whole thing. It was getting far too hard on my head. As anyone who has ever lost weight (or even tried to) knows, in order to be successful, it really has to be in the forefront of your mind at all times. And, to put it simply, that part of my brain was just getting worn out. Even though my lowest weight was almost two years ago now, I kept trying to get myself back on track, over and over and over again. And I was mentally exhausted. I just didn't have it in me.

So I looked at the calendar, looked at the date where I knew physically (because of the Seasonal Affective Disorder) I'd soon be on the upswing, and circled March 1st. It's the first day of the month, a Saturday (which is the first day of my WW week), and almost my birthday, so almost the start of a new trip around the sun. And then I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, as much as I wanted, until March 1st. It was that simple. I kept checking in with WW every two weeks, to keep my membership active, but aside from glancing at the numbers, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to it. And it didn't bother me.

Now I'm at the bus stop, waiting to board again. Any comments you feel like leaving, as often as you like, will make this journey, especially the first month, a lot easier on me. The first week is the worst, and the first three weeks are crucial. After that, it gets a little easier.

Not much, but a little. (wink)

Talk more soon.

Saturday

That's when you'll see me back around these parts.

Still around

Just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know I'm still out here.

I'm going to WW every two weeks, the day after payday. I refuse to quit completely. My head and heart are not in the game right now, but I know that I will snap back in at some point. When that happens, I want to still have credit for what I've already done. By going once every two weeks, I keep my membership active and am still accountable for my actions.

I'm taking a breather. I have been for quite a while. But I'm not ready to take on the battle again. I am resting, recuperating, regathering. Gaining the mental strength to take on the physical battle again.

I'm still around.

And another week begins ...

It's been kind of bumpy.

I did really, really well last week, until I was at the hockey game Wednesday night. Almost every time the announcer opened his mouth, it was about food. Then there was the six-foot party sub delivered to Section This, and a Vito's pizza delivery to Section That, and by the time the third period rolled around, I was losing my mind. By the time the game was over, I'd wolfed down a blueberry fritter. And by the time I went to bed, I'd lost count of what I'd shoveled in.

Not good.

Thursday wasn't much better, but things have improved since then. Still, it's That Week, and between that and the Seasonal Affective Disorder (a symptom of which, apparently, is the desire to eat copious amounts of carbs), and I'm spending every sleeping hour dreaming of pasta and Doritos.

Having said all that, though -- there is still ice cream in my freezer from two weeks ago.

I'm doing okay.

Welcome to Day Four!

The week is going okay, I must say. I'm at school, getting ready to start my day, and I've already journalled both my breakfast and lunch. Between the two meals, I've checked off the olive oil, both servings of milk, and three servings of vegetables. It's going okay.

I have to be careful not to over-do it at supper, though. I used five flex last night (which only brings me to about ten for the week so far), but I don't want to get into the habit of eating a lot when I get home from work. I like to have my main meal at lunch-time.

Getting back into a normal wake cycle has been a bit of a challenge. During the holidays, I slept as much as I felt I needed to, but obviously I can't do that now. But only 72 days until spring (I have a countdown on my other blog) and then I'll wake up again. That's the one beauty about Seasonal Affective Disorder -- I can pretty much circle a date on the calendar and know that's when I'll be feeling normal again.

Okay, off to work I go. Have a great one, everybody!

Quick hello

I'm getting ready for work, my first day of 2008, but I couldn't resist popping in to say I'VE LOST FIVE POUNDS SINCE SATURDAY MORNING!

Yeah, yeah -- we all know it's just water, but who cares? That's five that I don't have to worry about anymore. YAY!

Catch you later on this evening.

Two days down ...

... rest of my life to go.

I'm a little grumpy tonight. Today was stressful due to a project I thought I'd finished but had to start over from scratch, and when I went out to get some air, every drive-thru in the city called my name. I didn't give in, but I was one cranky woman when I got home.

And, actually, I'm still pretty cranky, so rather than whine to you, Gentle Reader, I'm simply going to say that I've had two good days in a row, and I'm going to go to bed so that it stays that way. *grin*

G'night!

Watching TV last night ...

Last night I wasn't tired at all when I went to bed, so I decided to watch some television. Being New Year's Day, The Learning Channel seemed to be having a Super-Morbid Obesity Marathon.

This is what I watched:

627 Lb. Woman: Jackie's Story
A woman undergoes gastric-bypass surgery and has a massive hernia repaired.

That one line description really is misleading. There was a lot more to it than just that. Saying I "enjoyed" watching this just doesn't seem right. It was kind of like the same reaction I had to watching Schindler's List. I found watching it painful, but I'm glad I saw it. This poor woman had reached the point where she was completely miserable and had no life. Getting the surgery was really her only option, and yet because of her weight, most of the doctors were unwilling to do it. (And after seeing all of the complications this poor woman endured, I can understand why.) But she seems like a very sweet lady, and I genuinely hope she's doing okay. There's a website about this show here.

I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day
Four morbidly obese people struggle with their weight, their addiction to food and rapidly deteriorating health. Two men are bed ridden and require constant care. Two women are dangerously close to becoming housebound.

(You can see an excerpt of this show here. Warning: Not for the faint of heart.)

This show made me mad -- and more than a little ill.

First of all, this show didn't seem to be trying to help these people. I am sure that the filmmakers were trying to provide a glimpse into the lives of some people severely-addicted to food. But it came across like a freak show. The close-ups of the largest fellow stuffing various fried things into his mouth, the shot of one woman trying to ignore the heaping plate of cookies on a nearby table, another woman grabbing the fat hanging off her stomach and bouncing it up and down ... What purpose did all this serve?

And another question: If some these people are bed-ridden, relying on other people to feed them, why the heck are their "caregivers" providing them with literally enough food to feed a family of five and calling it "one meal"? I don't buy the argument that one guy would just call delivery. Where does he get the money? And can't you just take away the phone?

I know I'm coming across as completely unsympathetic, but it takes a long time and hard work to get that big. I'm a binge-eater, too, and it's expensive, time-consuming, and you can only eat so much at a time. I'm not saying my food addiction is anywhere near as severe as these people, but I would like to think that if I'd reached the point that they have, that someone who cared about me would intervene -- especially if I were entirely dependent on that person.

Out of the four people featured, the one I had the most respect for was the man in Britain who had typed out a letter that was placed in his kitchen. It was a full page and boiled down to "No matter what I say, no matter how I word it, no matter how I plead -- DO NOT GIVE IN TO MY FOOD ADDICTION AND GIVE ME WHAT I ASK FOR".

33,000 calories a day. I had 2063 yesterday, and I feel I indulged.

Mind-boggling.

So far, so good.

Yesterday I planned everything out and ate it. Now, I have to admit that I went over my points for the day by 18, but it was planned.

We were given gift cards to Boston Pizza for Christmas, and Hubby and I did our best to get there before I went back on program, but the weather wasn't cooperating.

So on New Year's Eve, Hubby asked me what I wanted to do about the gift cards. He said that he knew I was revving up again with the New Year, and that I had a list of "minimally-damaging foods" at BP, and did I still want to go?

Well, I thought about it. But I realized that by getting the stuff that was "okay" instead of the stuff I really wanted, I'd be setting myself up as depressed and feeling deprived on Day One. I figured that wasn't a good idea.

So we went to Boston Pizza for lunch. I calculated the points for everything I wanted, and I ordered it and enjoyed every mouthful of it. Yes, I went over my points for the day, but I planned it out and tracked the points, and having had my "last supper", I'm ready to move on today.

And Day Two is going just fine.

Happy New Year!

Hello, everybody! I'm back and raring to go! This year is going to be awesome -- I can just feel it in my bones!

As of this morning, I weighed 258.6 pounds, which is more than I would like, but still almost forty pounds less than I did when I started this journey in August of 2005. And that, in itself, is quite an achievement. This is the first time ever that I haven't gained it all back.

I started a new profile in my Weight By Date Pro software, not counting what I've done before but just starting with today. That way the "projected goal date" at the top of the screen (always an encouragement for me) will be accurate, using only data starting from today.

I'm going to start tracking WW points today, and when I go to my meeting on Saturday, I'm going to start a new three-month journal, as well as buy three months' worth of coupons. Bring it on, baby -- this girl is back!

I'm also going to make myself exercise each and every single day, and I'm not going to need any fancy equipment except a CD player and me. The less equipment, the less excuses possible. I'm going to make myself a "Weight Loss Soundtrack", that's about 20 to 30 minutes long, and for as long as the music plays, I have to keep moving. Dance like a maniac, do jumping jacks, whatever. Just keep moving. For now, that's still a lot more than I've been doing up to this point. Next month I'll see if I can fix whatever's ailing Jim (his digital read-out/heart rate monitor is dead) and add that in.

"I get knocked down, but I get up again ... You're never gonna keep me down ..."

Guess what song is going in the Number One position in that soundtrack? *grin*

Coming in 2008

The triumphant return of Frank 'n' Jim!

Didn't go to WW yesterday

I guess for the next little while, I'm on the "go only the day after payday and pay for two weeks" plan.

But I won't quit.

Tick-tock to Christmas

I'm still here. Had a couple of thoughts today:

1) When I'm stressed, I eat until I feel full, because feeling full makes me feel safe and secure. It might not necessarily have to be "bad" food, but it has to be able to be eaten quickly.

2) I'm getting certain aspects of my life under control and I feel better.

I bought some Fruities yesterday. I like them, but I haven't gotten into them yet.

Confessions

The day started out okay. I had 45 g of Fibre 1 Honey Clusters with 40 g of plain old Fibre 1, 250 ml skim milk, and 200 ml of apple juice.

Then I laid down for a nap at lunchtime, and when I woke up, we went to the Maul to go shopping.

I got a little stressed.

Between bailing at Toys R Us and now, I have eaten:

- a chicken finger / fries platter from Deluxe.
- onion rings from Deluxe.
- a Papa burger from A&W.
- half of Hubby's medium Coke because my Diet Pepsi was all gone.
- a large tin of Poppycock candied popcorn with nuts.
- 2 Reeses' Crunch bars.

And now I desperately want to hurl. Not because I'm bulimic, but because my stomach is audibly roiling and I feel more than a little sick.

What a way to make me crave salad.

But I thought by confessing it here, I'd have to take ownership of it, and now you all know that I can binge with the best (worst?) of them, given just the right conditions.

And we aren't even done shopping yet. (sigh)

Home from WW

Sorry it's been so quiet around here lately. My Seasonal Affective Disorder has me in ... well, disorder, so I'm dragging myself around to get done what I need to do, and then I have to sleep. This year, more so than any other year since being diagnosed, I'm the bear looking for the cave to hibernate in. I'm probably going to have to go see the doc before too much longer, because it's a long way to go to mid-March.

But I did manage to get to WW this morning, and I stayed the same. I guess we'll call that a success. Right now my goal is to just keep going, because that is a big enough challenge. If the numbers on the scale go down, then great. As long as they don't go up, I'm happy.

The first thing that tends to slide by the wayside when I'm like this is my lunch during the week. I have a very difficult time getting up in the morning, which results in me running late and either just mindlessly tossing things into my lunch bag, or else not packing it at all and eating crap all day.

So these are my two goals for this week:

1) Sometime today, sit down and plan out the entire week's worth of meals. That way I don't have to think about it in the morning -- I just have to grab the right things.

2) Go to WW next week.

If I do those two things, then I'll get a Bravo sticker next week. That's the deal.

Okay, I'm going back to bed now. 'Night.

Another Day One

Welcome to December, and a new WW week. My little rebellion is over, and today I'm back on the bus. I always like the symbolic beginnings of the first day of the month, and so last week I decided today would be the day. And here we are.

We got groceries last night and I got all of the goodies I need to get me through Week One. I hate Week One, because it's so easy to slide off it. No time invested, no new real success to report, and ... well, it's a lot easier to declare next week Week One again. Next week can only be Week Two if you're good this week. Make sense?

I didn't get to my WW meeting this morning because I'm totally flat broke, but I wound up dreaming about ML and KF, so obviously I was there in spirit before I even woke up! I'll be there next week, when it's the day after payday.

Time to take my vitamin and go find some brunch. There's something comforting about heading back into this routine. At this point of the game, all of the novelty is long gone, but there are other nuances that are a little more difficult to articulate.

Words of wisdom

"To finish the moment, to find the journey's end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

New find!

Okay, so even though I'm not exactly on the wagon at the moment, my brain is still partially engaged. And I think I have finally come up with the greatest weight loss aid for my personal journey yet.

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: Dibs.

When I saw these advertised on TV, I thought, "What a dumb idea, turning ice cream into finger food!" But it's actually pure genius.

Ice cream to my weight loss efforts is what chocolate is like for lots of other people. I crave it, I must have it, and I must eat it until it's gone. That's why, when I give in, I always get the expensive stuff in the small containers because it does less damage in the long run.

Well, since these things are finger food, there is no container. I just pop two or three in my mouth and walk away, happily letting them melt in all their ice-creamy goodness. The ice cream craving is killed because these are real ice cream, and at 0.4 points each, I do a minimum of damage to my points balance for the day. (And yes, I am satisfied with just one or two of them.)

Nestle, I commend you.

Closing down the website.

No, no -- don't panic. Not the blog. NEVER the blog! Just the website (franknjim.earthandwater.ca)

You see, I've been doing some thinking, and I've realized that because I don't have time to keep up the website anymore, it's kind of making me feel like a failure. Losing weight is hard enough without that! And now, since Blogger allows you to categorize your posts via labels (coming soon to a sidebar near you), I can do things like post my progress pictures, label them progress pictures, and you, Gentle Reader can hit that link, and voila! All you see are the progress pictures.

So over the next week or so, I'll be integrating what I want into this blog and then letting the rest of it go.

It's cold out there, by the way. I'm going to come up with a way to use that to my advantage.

Talk soon.

All fixed.

Time for a nap.

Tweaking things around here.

Hang on -- I just updated my blog template and now I have to go back and reconfigure everything ...

Just so you know ...

I will be back. I can't say for sure exactly when, but I'm not finished my journey.

I just need to get off the bus for a bit.

I don't want to play anymore.

At least not now.

(sigh)

Fatigue

After having a little "food rebellion", I'm now well into Day Two of being back on program.

Sometimes the mere fact that this journey takes so long to get to where you're going gives you grief. After a while, you just get tired of being "on-program". And that's something I always struggle with.

But yesterday I felt ready to get back in gear, and so now I'm going again.

I'm not giving up. I'm NEVER giving up.