Workin' with Frank and Jim -- The Journal

C'mon Over!

2008-05-25T19:21:00.002-03:00

Hi, everyone!

Just wanted to let you know that I'll no longer be updating this site. I know it's been more than two months anyway, BUT I'm doing a massive life overhaul! I'm creating my life, becoming who I want to be, and part of that is getting to a healthy weight.

Head over to My Created Life to see what I'm up to, and how successful I am when I get back on the weight loss wagon this summer.

See you there!

Decision.

2008-03-15T19:56:00.003-03:00

I've decided to quit WW ... for the time being. I've decided to quit trying to make myself want to "stick with it".

What I'm going through right now, where this journey is concerned, is not unlike how I felt when we were trying -- desperately -- to have children. I just got to the point where I had to let it go because it was making me crazy. The sense of failure and feeling "broken" was just too much to handle.

I can't make myself want to lose weight. I've been trying to do just that for months. And I'm giving myself headaches over it. A civil war in one's own head is not the best entertainment. I don't want to play anymore.

Maybe when the weather warms up, I'll feel differently.

Maybe when I have time to focus just on the weight loss, I can get myself back on a roll. That's what happened last time; I started August 1st and had everything well in hand by the time "real life" began again in September.

I'm okay. I'm just being realistic. With me trying to go back to school, money is tight, and I just can't justify spending the money on WW when it's oh-so-obvious I just don't want to do it.

Maybe in July, I'll start over totally fresh. New membership number and new starting point. Maybe simply getting "my first five-pound star" all over again will be enough to keep me focused.

But for now ... For now, I'll just sleep in on Saturdays.

Coping

2008-03-11T09:26:00.000-03:00

I haven't waved a white flag yet, but this week is a battle I'm tiring of. Daylight Savings always messes me up and I'm sleepy and cranky and just eating little things as I go along.

More later, after I get home from work, take a nap, and become human again. :)

Not making the meeting today

2008-03-08T08:19:00.000-04:00

Have massive migraine. Probably a combination of the once-a-monther and the weather. Hubby worked really, really late last night, so I'm not going to ask him to drive me to weigh in.

Headache started yesterday morning and let up for about five hours yesterday afternoon/last night, then came back.

Going back to bed now. Just wanted to check in.

Feeling a smidge emotional

2008-03-07T15:07:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here sniffing. Although it's "Bawl Your Eyes Out in Between Wanting to Stuff Your Face" Week, I think this would've gotten to me anyway.

It started innocently enough. The zipper on my little blue WW bag broke, so when I went last week, I exchanged it for a new one. There was a form to fill out, and I emptied all of the stuff out of the old one and put it into the new one, and I was finished -- or so I thought.

I just checked the mail and there was an envelope from WW's Regional Office . Great, I laughed. How do they know I haven't journalled a single thing today?

Well, somehow I'd missed a pocket in my old blue bag -- my "treasures" pocket -- when I transferring my stuff from one bag to the other. When I left behind the old bag, I accidentally left some things in it. And so, when I opened up the envelope from Regional Office today, my old friends were there to greet me. (Until then, I hadn't even known they were lost.)

To whoever opened that pocket, found my things and took the time to send them back to me:

You not only saved some of my most precious keepsakes, but because you actually saw them, I feel as if I've shared my journey with you. You saw the cards my good friend, co-worker and "unofficial head cheerleader" Steve gave to me in 2000, including the one he drew specifically for me. You carefully packed up my ribbons, those cards and my bookmark, and you made sure that I got them all back.

Because they came out of an envelope when I was least expecting it, you made me see all these things with new eyes, forcing me to focus on my accomplishments, and taking my attention away from feeling like a failure. Somehow knowing that a perfect stranger saw these things, knows that I've lost 50 pounds and that I have a friend named Steve who delighted in congratulating me -- somehow that makes my past successes more tangible. I have shared this journey with who-knows-how-many strangers via this blog, but you are the first stranger to make me cry. *grin*

From the bottom of my heart -- thank you.

(If anyone reading this knows how to pass along that message, please do. It would mean a great deal to me.)

Birthday Setback

2008-03-06T07:25:00.003-04:00

This is a confession and that is all. My head has already bounced back.

What is it about special occasions that make us feel entitled to eat badly? Yesterday was, of course, my birthday. Hubby, being very conscious of me being back on program, brought me home a little individual-sized birthday carrot cake from the Superstore. He even tried to get the nutritional information for me, but the dept manager who would know where to find it had already gone home for the day.

I enjoyed my birthday cake (he even put a candle on it for me, but said that the other 37 wouldn't fit). But after ignoring persistent thoughts that popped into my head all day "Boston Pizza sent me a coupon for a free dessert today; Pizza Delight will let me have a free lunch buffet today ...", I only had so much will left. It was 8 PM, and I was hungry (having postponed supper because I wasn't sure what Hubby and I were doing meal-wise until he came home). So I wound up eating seven of those hash brown potato patties (also known as how ever many would fit on the pan). They were baked, not fried, and might even count as my missing vegetables, but I'm guessing they came in somewhere at twenty points or so.

Oops.

So because of that, and because I've been really bad about getting the water in the last two days, I'm up a little this morning. But no worries.

I'm back in the game.

The Aftermath of Sulking

2008-03-05T09:39:00.002-04:00

Well, last night I came home instead of hitting the Chinese buffet. I was hungry and sulking, and ate 9.2 flex points above and beyond what I had left. That probably amounts to about three chicken balls, though, so I guess we'll grudgingly count it as a success. But I still want Chinese food.

My birthday is going well so far. I forgot to hop on the scale before drinking my morning pop, so I'll wait and do it tomorrow, rather than look at flawed data.

The weather is really blechy today. I must've been a bad girl to have this on my birthday. *grin*

(sulking)

2008-03-04T17:53:00.003-04:00

I had managed to convince myself that I was going to go to the Chinese buffet. After all, tomorrow is my birthday.

And then I ran into Monic at the Bulk Barn. Monic is very health conscious and has always been supportive of my efforts. So I confessed and, as I knew she would, she said not to go.

So I didn't.

But I am allowed to pout. So I am.

Going okay

2008-03-04T09:34:00.002-04:00

Just checking in quickly -- I have to go have breakfast.

So far, my week is going okay. Last night at my cousin's, we had tacos and salad. I had only eaten less than half my points for the day when I got there, and I'm going to make sure I eat no more than 20 flex points this week, so I'm sure I'll be just fine.

I've lost four pounds since Saturday, and aside from not getting all of my water in (I keep forgetting to start early in the day), I'm doing okay with everything else.

Already, I feel better physically. I just wish I were a little smaller right now.

I really need to fit back into my old jacket.

Day Two Almost Over

2008-03-02T20:09:00.003-04:00

There's a serious case of the munchies stalking me tonight. I've got room, flex-wise, if necessary, but I'd rather not go that route. I've already used 6.8 flex this week (in the last ninety minutes, in fact). I'm going to my cousin's place for dinner tomorrow night (a situation in which I have no control over the menu, and won't have a clue of the nutritionals), and then my birthday is on Wednesday. Best to keep as much "in the bank" as possible.

I have Fruities, and I'm not afraid to use them.

Frank was very rewarding this morning, though. That's what I love about the first week back on track -- I had a 2.6 lb drop overnight. The sooner I'm out of the 260s, the happier I'll be!

Did I tell you my 20-year high school reunion is coming up in June? Let's just say that this year's pictures are already going to be a lot better than the last time around. *grin*

We went out to drop off a couple of movies to Hubby's sisters' kids today. On the way there and home, we passed two McDonalds, a Taco Bell/KFC, three Tim Hortons, two Subways, a Quiznos, a Wendy's, and a Greco Pizza. And those were just the ones I noticed, before tucking my head down and moaning softly.

Yup -- the first week is the hardest.

Riceworks Gourmet Brown Rice Chips

2008-03-02T19:54:00.007-04:00

I'm not a chocolate girl. (I'm not even keen on chocolate ice cream. I know -- I'm weird.) But give me something salty with a serious crunch, and I'm happy.

Found these about a month ago at the Superstore (and have since seen a better selection of flavours, at thirty cents more expensive, at the Bulk Barn).

I LOVE these! I've tried both the Sea Salt and the Sweet Chili, and they're awesome. My favourite trick is to scatter some Sea Salt ones on a plate, sprinkle some grated cheese over top, and then nuke for instant nachos. I want to try the Salsa Fresca next, but I haven't stumbled across them yet.

You can have about 10 good-sized chips (28 g) for 3.2 points, and it's quite satisfying. They're thicker than your average tortilla chip, so there's more crunch. (I'm all about the crunch -- it's the key to my satisfaction.)

You can check out their website for more information. I highly recommend these.

The First Night

2008-03-02T13:31:00.003-04:00

The conversation in my bed last night went something like this:

STOMACH: Uh, hello? I'm empty.

KJ: I'm hungry.

HUBBY: That's because it's working.

STOMACH: Yo! You stopped feeding me more than two hours ago. You want me to waste away to nothing?!

KJ: I'm hungry.

HUBBY: The first week is the hardest.

STOMACH: FEED ME NOW, DAMMIT!!!

KJ: I'm really hungry.

HUBBY: Just try to go to sleep.

STOMACH: What the hell is WRONG with you, WOMAN?! Why aren't we going TO THE KITCHEN?!

KJ: (sighs) I'm really, really hungry.

HUBBY: It'll get easier.

STOMACH: I'm a BIG, EMPTY SPACE! I'm DYING HERE! HURRY UP AND ...

(STOMACH's wailing is abruptly cut off as KJ rolls over on top of it and tries to go to sleep.)

Progress Gallery

2008-03-01T18:03:00.002-04:00

Maybe I should have warned you. This picture is not for the faint of heart (despite Mindy's excellent photography skills!)

Now that Blogger allows labels, and since I've shut down the old Frank and Jim website, I've decided to place a gallery of progress pictures here. Nothing tells the story quite like a picture (and if I needed something to get me past the drive-thrus and safely home today, this picture was it!) .

If you look on the sidebar to the left, under "The Journey" you'll see a link called "Progress Pictures". Just click that and it'll bring up all of the posts with pictures in chronological order. (March 11, 2006 -- before all hell broke loose in my life -- is my personal favourite. *grin*)

I TOLD you I'd be back grin

2008-03-01T06:26:00.004-04:00

So, here I am, getting ready to "get back on the bus".

I just weighed myself and, although I'm sure that a fair portion of the number has to do with the two pounds of pizza I ate last night (it was even advertised as such on the box!), it's still up there. But when I look back at my highest number in August of 2005, I'm still almost 30 pounds lighter than I was then. In other words, I haven't gained it all back, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I define partial success.

So, I suppose you're wondering where I've been. Well, I had to take a break. Not just from the blog, and going to the WW meetings, but from the whole thing. It was getting far too hard on my head. As anyone who has ever lost weight (or even tried to) knows, in order to be successful, it really has to be in the forefront of your mind at all times. And, to put it simply, that part of my brain was just getting worn out. Even though my lowest weight was almost two years ago now, I kept trying to get myself back on track, over and over and over again. And I was mentally exhausted. I just didn't have it in me.

So I looked at the calendar, looked at the date where I knew physically (because of the Seasonal Affective Disorder) I'd soon be on the upswing, and circled March 1st. It's the first day of the month, a Saturday (which is the first day of my WW week), and almost my birthday, so almost the start of a new trip around the sun. And then I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, as much as I wanted, until March 1st. It was that simple. I kept checking in with WW every two weeks, to keep my membership active, but aside from glancing at the numbers, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to it. And it didn't bother me.

Now I'm at the bus stop, waiting to board again. Any comments you feel like leaving, as often as you like, will make this journey, especially the first month, a lot easier on me. The first week is the worst, and the first three weeks are crucial. After that, it gets a little easier.

Not much, but a little. (wink)

Talk more soon.

Saturday

2008-02-27T07:56:00.001-04:00

That's when you'll see me back around these parts.

Still around

2008-01-28T09:20:00.000-04:00

Just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know I'm still out here.

I'm going to WW every two weeks, the day after payday. I refuse to quit completely. My head and heart are not in the game right now, but I know that I will snap back in at some point. When that happens, I want to still have credit for what I've already done. By going once every two weeks, I keep my membership active and am still accountable for my actions.

I'm taking a breather. I have been for quite a while. But I'm not ready to take on the battle again. I am resting, recuperating, regathering. Gaining the mental strength to take on the physical battle again.

I'm still around.

And another week begins ...

2008-01-14T08:24:00.000-04:00

It's been kind of bumpy.

I did really, really well last week, until I was at the hockey game Wednesday night. Almost every time the announcer opened his mouth, it was about food. Then there was the six-foot party sub delivered to Section This, and a Vito's pizza delivery to Section That, and by the time the third period rolled around, I was losing my mind. By the time the game was over, I'd wolfed down a blueberry fritter. And by the time I went to bed, I'd lost count of what I'd shoveled in.

Not good.

Thursday wasn't much better, but things have improved since then. Still, it's That Week, and between that and the Seasonal Affective Disorder (a symptom of which, apparently, is the desire to eat copious amounts of carbs), and I'm spending every sleeping hour dreaming of pasta and Doritos.

Having said all that, though -- there is still ice cream in my freezer from two weeks ago.

I'm doing okay.

Welcome to Day Four!

2008-01-08T08:44:00.000-04:00

The week is going okay, I must say. I'm at school, getting ready to start my day, and I've already journalled both my breakfast and lunch. Between the two meals, I've checked off the olive oil, both servings of milk, and three servings of vegetables. It's going okay.

I have to be careful not to over-do it at supper, though. I used five flex last night (which only brings me to about ten for the week so far), but I don't want to get into the habit of eating a lot when I get home from work. I like to have my main meal at lunch-time.

Getting back into a normal wake cycle has been a bit of a challenge. During the holidays, I slept as much as I felt I needed to, but obviously I can't do that now. But only 72 days until spring (I have a countdown on my other blog) and then I'll wake up again. That's the one beauty about Seasonal Affective Disorder -- I can pretty much circle a date on the calendar and know that's when I'll be feeling normal again.

Okay, off to work I go. Have a great one, everybody!

Quick hello

2008-01-07T07:23:00.000-04:00

I'm getting ready for work, my first day of 2008, but I couldn't resist popping in to say I'VE LOST FIVE POUNDS SINCE SATURDAY MORNING!

Yeah, yeah -- we all know it's just water, but who cares? That's five that I don't have to worry about anymore. YAY!

Catch you later on this evening.

Two days down ...

2008-01-06T20:56:00.001-04:00

... rest of my life to go.

I'm a little grumpy tonight. Today was stressful due to a project I thought I'd finished but had to start over from scratch, and when I went out to get some air, every drive-thru in the city called my name. I didn't give in, but I was one cranky woman when I got home.

And, actually, I'm still pretty cranky, so rather than whine to you, Gentle Reader, I'm simply going to say that I've had two good days in a row, and I'm going to go to bed so that it stays that way. *grin*

G'night!

Watching TV last night ...

2008-01-02T12:46:00.000-04:00

Last night I wasn't tired at all when I went to bed, so I decided to watch some television. Being New Year's Day, The Learning Channel seemed to be having a Super-Morbid Obesity Marathon.

This is what I watched:

627 Lb. Woman: Jackie's Story
A woman undergoes gastric-bypass surgery and has a massive hernia repaired.

That one line description really is misleading. There was a lot more to it than just that. Saying I "enjoyed" watching this just doesn't seem right. It was kind of like the same reaction I had to watching Schindler's List. I found watching it painful, but I'm glad I saw it. This poor woman had reached the point where she was completely miserable and had no life. Getting the surgery was really her only option, and yet because of her weight, most of the doctors were unwilling to do it. (And after seeing all of the complications this poor woman endured, I can understand why.) But she seems like a very sweet lady, and I genuinely hope she's doing okay. There's a website about this show here.

I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day
Four morbidly obese people struggle with their weight, their addiction to food and rapidly deteriorating health. Two men are bed ridden and require constant care. Two women are dangerously close to becoming housebound.

(You can see an excerpt of this show here. Warning: Not for the faint of heart.)

This show made me mad -- and more than a little ill.

First of all, this show didn't seem to be trying to help these people. I am sure that the filmmakers were trying to provide a glimpse into the lives of some people severely-addicted to food. But it came across like a freak show. The close-ups of the largest fellow stuffing various fried things into his mouth, the shot of one woman trying to ignore the heaping plate of cookies on a nearby table, another woman grabbing the fat hanging off her stomach and bouncing it up and down ... What purpose did all this serve?

And another question: If some these people are bed-ridden, relying on other people to feed them, why the heck are their "caregivers" providing them with literally enough food to feed a family of five and calling it "one meal"? I don't buy the argument that one guy would just call delivery. Where does he get the money? And can't you just take away the phone?

I know I'm coming across as completely unsympathetic, but it takes a long time and hard work to get that big. I'm a binge-eater, too, and it's expensive, time-consuming, and you can only eat so much at a time. I'm not saying my food addiction is anywhere near as severe as these people, but I would like to think that if I'd reached the point that they have, that someone who cared about me would intervene -- especially if I were entirely dependent on that person.

Out of the four people featured, the one I had the most respect for was the man in Britain who had typed out a letter that was placed in his kitchen. It was a full page and boiled down to "No matter what I say, no matter how I word it, no matter how I plead -- DO NOT GIVE IN TO MY FOOD ADDICTION AND GIVE ME WHAT I ASK FOR".

33,000 calories a day. I had 2063 yesterday, and I feel I indulged.

Mind-boggling.

So far, so good.

2008-01-02T12:43:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I planned everything out and ate it. Now, I have to admit that I went over my points for the day by 18, but it was planned.

We were given gift cards to Boston Pizza for Christmas, and Hubby and I did our best to get there before I went back on program, but the weather wasn't cooperating.

So on New Year's Eve, Hubby asked me what I wanted to do about the gift cards. He said that he knew I was revving up again with the New Year, and that I had a list of "minimally-damaging foods" at BP, and did I still want to go?

Well, I thought about it. But I realized that by getting the stuff that was "okay" instead of the stuff I really wanted, I'd be setting myself up as depressed and feeling deprived on Day One. I figured that wasn't a good idea.

So we went to Boston Pizza for lunch. I calculated the points for everything I wanted, and I ordered it and enjoyed every mouthful of it. Yes, I went over my points for the day, but I planned it out and tracked the points, and having had my "last supper", I'm ready to move on today.

And Day Two is going just fine.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T09:43:00.000-04:00

Hello, everybody! I'm back and raring to go! This year is going to be awesome -- I can just feel it in my bones!

As of this morning, I weighed 258.6 pounds, which is more than I would like, but still almost forty pounds less than I did when I started this journey in August of 2005. And that, in itself, is quite an achievement. This is the first time ever that I haven't gained it all back.

I started a new profile in my Weight By Date Pro software, not counting what I've done before but just starting with today. That way the "projected goal date" at the top of the screen (always an encouragement for me) will be accurate, using only data starting from today.

I'm going to start tracking WW points today, and when I go to my meeting on Saturday, I'm going to start a new three-month journal, as well as buy three months' worth of coupons. Bring it on, baby -- this girl is back!

I'm also going to make myself exercise each and every single day, and I'm not going to need any fancy equipment except a CD player and me. The less equipment, the less excuses possible. I'm going to make myself a "Weight Loss Soundtrack", that's about 20 to 30 minutes long, and for as long as the music plays, I have to keep moving. Dance like a maniac, do jumping jacks, whatever. Just keep moving. For now, that's still a lot more than I've been doing up to this point. Next month I'll see if I can fix whatever's ailing Jim (his digital read-out/heart rate monitor is dead) and add that in.

"I get knocked down, but I get up again ... You're never gonna keep me down ..."

Guess what song is going in the Number One position in that soundtrack? *grin*

Coming in 2008

2007-12-23T20:35:00.000-04:00

The triumphant return of Frank 'n' Jim!

Didn't go to WW yesterday

2007-12-16T09:11:00.000-04:00

I guess for the next little while, I'm on the "go only the day after payday and pay for two weeks" plan.

But I won't quit.

Tick-tock to Christmas

2007-12-13T21:21:00.000-04:00

I'm still here. Had a couple of thoughts today:

1) When I'm stressed, I eat until I feel full, because feeling full makes me feel safe and secure. It might not necessarily have to be "bad" food, but it has to be able to be eaten quickly.

2) I'm getting certain aspects of my life under control and I feel better.

I bought some Fruities yesterday. I like them, but I haven't gotten into them yet.

Confessions

2007-12-09T19:45:00.000-04:00

The day started out okay. I had 45 g of Fibre 1 Honey Clusters with 40 g of plain old Fibre 1, 250 ml skim milk, and 200 ml of apple juice.

Then I laid down for a nap at lunchtime, and when I woke up, we went to the Maul to go shopping.

I got a little stressed.

Between bailing at Toys R Us and now, I have eaten:

- a chicken finger / fries platter from Deluxe.
- onion rings from Deluxe.
- a Papa burger from A&W.
- half of Hubby's medium Coke because my Diet Pepsi was all gone.
- a large tin of Poppycock candied popcorn with nuts.
- 2 Reeses' Crunch bars.

And now I desperately want to hurl. Not because I'm bulimic, but because my stomach is audibly roiling and I feel more than a little sick.

What a way to make me crave salad.

But I thought by confessing it here, I'd have to take ownership of it, and now you all know that I can binge with the best (worst?) of them, given just the right conditions.

And we aren't even done shopping yet. (sigh)

Home from WW

2007-12-08T09:17:00.001-04:00

Sorry it's been so quiet around here lately. My Seasonal Affective Disorder has me in ... well, disorder, so I'm dragging myself around to get done what I need to do, and then I have to sleep. This year, more so than any other year since being diagnosed, I'm the bear looking for the cave to hibernate in. I'm probably going to have to go see the doc before too much longer, because it's a long way to go to mid-March.

But I did manage to get to WW this morning, and I stayed the same. I guess we'll call that a success. Right now my goal is to just keep going, because that is a big enough challenge. If the numbers on the scale go down, then great. As long as they don't go up, I'm happy.

The first thing that tends to slide by the wayside when I'm like this is my lunch during the week. I have a very difficult time getting up in the morning, which results in me running late and either just mindlessly tossing things into my lunch bag, or else not packing it at all and eating crap all day.

So these are my two goals for this week:

1) Sometime today, sit down and plan out the entire week's worth of meals. That way I don't have to think about it in the morning -- I just have to grab the right things.

2) Go to WW next week.

If I do those two things, then I'll get a Bravo sticker next week. That's the deal.

Okay, I'm going back to bed now. 'Night.

Another Day One

2007-12-01T10:39:00.001-04:00

Welcome to December, and a new WW week. My little rebellion is over, and today I'm back on the bus. I always like the symbolic beginnings of the first day of the month, and so last week I decided today would be the day. And here we are.

We got groceries last night and I got all of the goodies I need to get me through Week One. I hate Week One, because it's so easy to slide off it. No time invested, no new real success to report, and ... well, it's a lot easier to declare next week Week One again. Next week can only be Week Two if you're good this week. Make sense?

I didn't get to my WW meeting this morning because I'm totally flat broke, but I wound up dreaming about ML and KF, so obviously I was there in spirit before I even woke up! I'll be there next week, when it's the day after payday.

Time to take my vitamin and go find some brunch. There's something comforting about heading back into this routine. At this point of the game, all of the novelty is long gone, but there are other nuances that are a little more difficult to articulate.

Words of wisdom

2007-11-26T09:41:00.000-04:00

"To finish the moment, to find the journey's end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

New find!

2007-11-19T12:05:00.001-04:00

Okay, so even though I'm not exactly on the wagon at the moment, my brain is still partially engaged. And I think I have finally come up with the greatest weight loss aid for my personal journey yet.

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: Dibs.

When I saw these advertised on TV, I thought, "What a dumb idea, turning ice cream into finger food!" But it's actually pure genius.

Ice cream to my weight loss efforts is what chocolate is like for lots of other people. I crave it, I must have it, and I must eat it until it's gone. That's why, when I give in, I always get the expensive stuff in the small containers because it does less damage in the long run.

Well, since these things are finger food, there is no container. I just pop two or three in my mouth and walk away, happily letting them melt in all their ice-creamy goodness. The ice cream craving is killed because these are real ice cream, and at 0.4 points each, I do a minimum of damage to my points balance for the day. (And yes, I am satisfied with just one or two of them.)

Nestle, I commend you.

Closing down the website.

2007-11-12T08:31:00.000-04:00

No, no -- don't panic. Not the blog. NEVER the blog! Just the website (franknjim.earthandwater.ca)

You see, I've been doing some thinking, and I've realized that because I don't have time to keep up the website anymore, it's kind of making me feel like a failure. Losing weight is hard enough without that! And now, since Blogger allows you to categorize your posts via labels (coming soon to a sidebar near you), I can do things like post my progress pictures, label them progress pictures, and you, Gentle Reader can hit that link, and voila! All you see are the progress pictures.

So over the next week or so, I'll be integrating what I want into this blog and then letting the rest of it go.

It's cold out there, by the way. I'm going to come up with a way to use that to my advantage.

Talk soon.

All fixed.

2007-11-10T10:54:00.001-04:00

Time for a nap.

Tweaking things around here.

2007-11-10T10:13:00.000-04:00

Hang on -- I just updated my blog template and now I have to go back and reconfigure everything ...

Just so you know ...

2007-11-04T21:09:00.000-04:00

I will be back. I can't say for sure exactly when, but I'm not finished my journey.

I just need to get off the bus for a bit.

I don't want to play anymore.

2007-11-01T21:52:00.000-03:00

At least not now.

(sigh)

Fatigue

2007-10-14T17:26:00.000-03:00

After having a little "food rebellion", I'm now well into Day Two of being back on program.

Sometimes the mere fact that this journey takes so long to get to where you're going gives you grief. After a while, you just get tired of being "on-program". And that's something I always struggle with.

But yesterday I felt ready to get back in gear, and so now I'm going again.

I'm not giving up. I'm NEVER giving up.

(sigh)

2007-09-09T21:41:00.000-03:00

I'm hungry and the TV ads are starting to get to me.

My stomach's growling. This means it's working, right?

Busy, busy, busy ...

2007-09-09T08:41:00.000-03:00

Well, I'm now working two jobs and am a new puppymom to a breed that's known for its energy. I'm happy, but life is hectic!

It's good to be back to work at school. I've missed it, and, to be honest, I've missed climbing up and down those stairs all day. Some of the teachers have also started up a "female fitness club". Depending on how my schedule goes the next little while, and if I get my car back soon (allowing me to get home to puppy sooner than the bus would), I just might take part.

Piper the puppy is doing well. We're gradually working our way up to longer walks. She's a bit timid of the big, wide world, so it's taking a bit to get her used to Life Off Our Property. But again, once I get the car back, I'll be able to take her to the beach, the nature park, et cetera -- places we can walk without too many Scary Things slowing us down.

I'm within five pounds of "Fiftyback" now, and I can almost taste that little coppery disk. Hopefully within the next two weeks, it will be mine! After that, my next mini-goal will be to get back to working on "virgin fat". I'm about halfway through getting rid of the weight I gained back, so that makes me happy. (And that's just since June.) As long as I stay on track, my weight should start with a "1" by the time my birthday in March rolls around. It might even happen by Christmas, but I think that might be pushing it. Doesn't mean I'm not gonna try, though! :)

I ate 34 points' worth of Doritos yesterday. I've probably told you before that I'm a "container-eater" -- that I eat until the container is empty. Well, I'd been eying these Chili Cheese Lime chips for a while, and although I kept looking, I couldn't find a small bag of them anywhere. So yesterday I decided to buy them and, knowing that even if I'd portioned them out into baggies, I'd just eat all the little baggies consecutively, I gave myself permission to have the whole darn bag if I wanted. So they are now gone, I can stop thinking about them, and we're ready to move on.

Life is good.

Fabulous new piece of exercise equipment.

2007-08-30T14:13:00.000-03:00

In the past week, I have gone for at least one brisk walk every day. I have even caught myself running, much to the amusement, I'm sure, of my neighbours. This exercise equipment is having a hugely positive effect on the quality of life of every member of our family (including the cats, who are getting very good at changing direction in mid-air).

I introduce to you: Piper.

Since my dog passed away last fall, I've been feeling a little blue. (Okay, maybe more than just "a little".) So I've been thinking hard about what I wanted my next dog to be like, and I decided that besides companionship and a best buddy, I wanted someone who would force me to be more active. And that was when I decided that a border collie was the way to go. Not only are they argued to be the most intelligent dog breed, but they are famous for their stamina and need for exercise.

Piper came from an animal shelter. I found her on (appropriately enough) Petfinder.com, and she's mostly border collie with a little something else (they think Lab, maybe) thrown in. She's eleven weeks old now and although she needs frequent naps (since she's just a baby), the amount of energy that she has when she's raring to go makes me wonder if I should have named her Nuclear Reactor instead. We are going to start doing agility as soon as she's a year old, for both of our sakes'. I'm looking forward to it, actually.

Right now she's tired, so she's curled up at my feet, casually chewing on her toy.

And yes, folks -- in case you had any doubt -- I'm in love.

New Morning, New Start

2007-08-15T08:32:00.000-03:00

You know how some days are just write-offs? That would describe yesterday. I wasn't overly "naughty" -- I just didn't keep track of anything or pay much attention to keeping things balanced. Part of it was because SisKris and her family were still in town, and my mind was in "party" mode. But today they are heading home (they might already be on the road), and I'm back on track.

Isn't it funny how, when we are around people who have shared our history of crazy eating, that we just automatically regress to that? It's not like she was trying to lead me off-track -- SisKris was being very helpful and conscious of points before offering me anything -- but my brain was already off in La-La-Land. It was like a silent switch had been flicked.

Like I said -- it was just one day, and I didn't go overboard. But there might be a tiny bright side to SisKris living in another province -- I doubt I'd be able to stay on program if we were together every day.

Point to ponder: I was thinking about this the other night while being inundated by fast food commercials while trying to watch television. In the early 70s, cigarettes were still allowed to advertise on TV, but eventually were banned because of the fact that they can kill you. Do you think that fast food will eventually have the same advertising ban?

Oh, I hope so. It would make sticking to program so much easier. None of us need that extra temptation, whether we're actively trying to lose weight or not.

Move it on over ...

2007-08-12T16:04:00.000-03:00

Well, as promised, I have updated (and moved!) my Workin' With Frank and Jim website. You can now find it at franknjim.earthandwater.ca (just by clicking the handy link on the sidebar).

I did a little streamlining, but I think the biggest thing I did was to add all of the data from my "holding pattern" from the past year. Looking at the dates and the data, it's really obvious when I derailed, and how what was going on in my life was affecting me. It's a little weird to see something prove I'm right. *grin*

Anyway, take a look-see and tell me what you think. And don't forget to update your bookmarks!

Have a good one!

Breakthrough!

2007-08-12T07:48:00.000-03:00

Yesterday was an awesome day! I was too busy happy-dancing (and hanging with my sisters and niece and other assorted family members) to post here, but folks, IT'S ON!

I had an awesome week on the weight loss front, so I knew weigh-in was going to be good. But I didn't know just how good! I hopped on that scale and grinned at the results -- down 6.8 pounds this week! -- but the significance didn't hit me until it was pointed out.

"Karen, you haven't weighed this little in a long time. Look ..." And we went over my weight card quickly.

"Yeah," I replied, "I'm thinking it has to be about last November."

Well, after I sat down, I looked. It was last September that I weighed the same as I do now. And then it hit me. That was before my dog went to the Bridge. For a brief moment, a realization washed over me. It was like time was going backwards now, like I was getting back to normal. I can't tell you what a feeling of relief that was.

I am now within eight pounds (or 2-3 weeks) of getting that WW 50-lb medal for my key chain, and about twenty pounds away from hitting "virgin fat". Twenty pounds sounded like a lot, until I realized I'd lost fifteen since the middle of June. I could easily be working on "uncharted territory" by Christmas.

So yesterday was a very good day. We'll forget the fact that I went a little beyond my plan for the family barbecue last night (but I did bring "safe" foods, as did Dr. Munchkin for dessert), and we'll just assume I've had 12 of my flexpoints for the week. As long as I'm committed to program (and I am, or -- let's face it -- I wouldn't be posting right now), one or two things at one meal isn't going to throw me off. Let's get that medal, let's get past 200, let's get to goal!

Life is, as they say, beautiful.

I'm back.

2007-08-07T07:14:00.000-03:00

August 1st marked the two-year anniversary of Workin' with Frank and Jim, and the beginning of my longest continuous weight loss journey. There have been many ups and downs through this, but the most important things are 1) I didn't quit this time, and 2) I'm about 40 lbs lighter than I was at the beginning. Both of those things make this time different than any of the previous efforts, where I would get so far, and then turn around and gain it all back again, plus more. I have regained some, but not nearly the whole thing, not nearly as fast as before, and I still haven't quit. This time, it is different.

This time around, my brain has been a lot more involved in the process, and I've learned a lot. Most of the time, I see food for what it is: a mish-mash of nutrients that the machine I call my body needs in order to keep it running. But I've also learned that there are things that are bigger than me, things that are going to knock me for a loop. As long as I don't quit completely, as long as I keep coming back, I will get there eventually.

In the next few days, I'm going to give the website an overhaul. Nothing too radical (aside from a new link, because I'm moving it) -- just more of an "out with the old, and in with the new". Updating the data there, like the tickers at the left, helps to keep me focused.

And that's the news from here.

Hiatus.

2007-07-24T16:21:00.000-03:00

This blog is on hiatus until August 1st.

No need to worry -- I'm just taking an intentional break to clear out some baggage. I'll see you when I get back.

Yup, it's another one of those weeks ...

2007-07-18T16:09:00.000-03:00

KJ is quiet. KJ hasn't updated her blog.

KJ is over-eating.

Every now and again I reach a point where I'm just so sick of the whole process. I whine that it's unfair that it will take me so long to get to goal, when all the ten-pounders come and go.

And then I go eat crap for a few days and make my journey take even longer.

Logical, eh?

Hmmmmm...

2007-07-11T02:11:00.000-03:00

I ate about eighteen points yesterday, and wasn't able to check off a single guideline box.

It's now after two in the morning, I've been trying to get to sleep for three hours, and I'm fantasizing about the nachos at Boston Pizza.

This can't be good.

Monday, Monday ...

2007-07-09T08:59:00.000-03:00

Well, it's Monday again. It's amazing how fast the weeks fly by.

The weekend was good, program-wise. I used about 13 flexpoints on Saturday (I had a bag of mini rice cakes that took up nearly 10 of that, but it was more satisfying than 10 points of Doritos would have been, so I'm fine with that). My sodium was high that day, as a result, and I didn't get in my 25 grams of fibre, but that's okay. A day here and there won't kill me, and I had 6631 steps on the pedometer.

Speaking of the pedometer, it was about the only thing I didn't totally rock yesterday. Look at this data:

Points: 31.8 (target = 32)
Water: 3 litres (target = 3 litres)
All required fruits/veggies, milk, and oil boxes checked.
Ditto for the vitamin.
Fibre: 39 g (target = at least 25)
Protein: 59 g (target = at least 50)
Sodium: 2333 mg (target = 2400 or less)
Added Sugar: 43 g (target = 44 g or less)

So even though I only got in a measly 909 steps on the pedometer, yesterday rocked! It's rare that I hit all of my personal nutritional targets, and the WW guidelines, and not use any flexpoints. When you consider that this was a weekend, I am very proud of myself.

Let's keep the momentum going.

Re-Boot Week 3 - The Week That Was

2007-07-07T09:26:00.000-03:00

WW Weigh-in Last Saturday: 252.6
WW Weigh-in This Morning: 250.4
Result of this week's hard work: DOWN 2.2 LBS!
WW Total Loss: 38.8 lbs. off since August 13, 2005.

This past week I accomplished:
- Pulled myself out of what could have been a massive tailspin before it was too late.
- Lost 2.2 pounds by week's end.

For this coming week, I commit to:
- Breaking 6000 steps on the pedometer four times this week, including one 10,000 step day.
- Continue writing everything down.
- Continue blogging, regardless of how good I'm being.
- Chop up the veggies in the fridge.
- Take two walks, just for walking's sake.
- Get the oil in every day.
- Get the water in every day.

Today's "I Did It" Sticker: I've lost three weeks in a row, and so I think it's safe to say I'm back in the game.

Yeah!

Bumpy week.

2007-07-06T09:05:00.000-03:00

I've been a moody, sick girl this week, and the Eating Machine has been taking advantage of that, and I've been letting him.

I was on track all day Saturday, and decided that Sunday (the holiday) would be my Treat Day for the month. (Usually I go for the Saturday closest to the start of the month, but hey.) But by the time Sunday was over with, it had morphed into a "Quarterly Points-Free Day", which is not a bad idea, as long as I bounced back from it.

Well, I didn't bounce back. Have you ever tried to walk a cat on a leash? That's kind of how I came back to program.

Monday was kind of a screwy day. My head was killing me and I just felt rotten (pretty much the story since, actually), so I just ate what looked interesting and when I felt like it. Didn't write a single thing down, either. Hubby was home, and I usually do better with my food choices when he's not eating better-smelling stuff.

Tuesday morning the scale showed me as being up four pounds over Saturday, which reinforced my resolve to go back on program. I went over my daily target, but only by 2.4, so it wasn't all that bad. Wednesday I was a good girl, and yesterday was pretty good, too.

Most of the gain is gone now, and I'm feeling a little better. (The headache is still there, but it's the weather, and I've got the Advil army on my side.) So today will finish off my so-so week, and I'll start fresh in the morning. I wish I'd done better, but at least I pulled myself out of it with a few days to spare.

Ciao.

Quick update

2007-06-30T11:56:00.000-03:00

Hi -- I'm working in about two hours and I didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm going to try to squeeze in a nap here.

I'll write a better synopsis later, but just in case you're wondering, I lost 2.0 lbs this week according to this morning's weigh-in. (Ironically, the scale came up with the same number that Frank had been showing me for three days -- I think the scales are conspiring to make me nuts!).

Frank was down this morning, too, so I got to update all of the tickers.

More later! Promise!

It started badly ...

2007-06-29T21:57:00.000-03:00

... and got progressively worse. When I hopped on the scale this morning, I was extremely frustrated to see that it said exactly the same thing as it had yesterday and the day before. I walked away for a couple of hours, thinking Frank was just being tempermental. But when I came back, he said exactly the same thing. I was livid.

Now bear in mind that this is "Pre-Puffy Week" (AKA "I'm an Emotional Food-Craving Wreck" Week), and that I've been positively angelic since Monday. I'm also trying to stave off the monthly urge to eat every single salty and sweet thing in the house.

Today was a rotten day to be a "day-before-weigh-in day". I did nothing but gorge and graze. My points were gone by lunchtime. An hour ago I used up ten of the flexpoints I wasn't going to use this week. Now I'm just kicking myself knowing that the scale would have moved tomorrow morning and I've just tossed that out the window.

I feel like a big, fat failure.

Have no fear -- I'll be fine tomorrow. I'm just hanging my head tonight.

It's awful when you know better but can't seem to stop yourself from being a train wreck.

Just so you know ...

2007-06-28T22:55:00.001-03:00

I not only did everything I said I was going to do, but I even managed to turn down ice cream -- twice.

The only snag in the plan was that I had to figure out which size of Caesar salad I had the nutritional info for. It was, of course, the smaller of the two, but that's okay. I enjoyed my meal and it was worth chowing down on a bag of frozen vegetables for lunch while my coworker ate take-out from Boston Pizza about three feet away.

It was a long day, so I'm heading off to bed. Nighters!

Thursday morning update

2007-06-28T07:28:00.000-03:00

Ohhh, I don't feel like going to work this morning. My head is killing me (either the weather or my monthly migraine -- or both) and I feel like I could sleep for a week. But enough whining -- here's your update.

After giving in to the ice cream and then surviving grad night, Tuesday was an awesome day. I hit 32 points bang-on (which, when you consider I count to the first decimal place, is even more impressive), got in all of WW little boxes to check off, as well as hit all of my own personal nutritional targets. The only thing that I noticed (but am not counting yet) is that the reading on the pedometer was pitiful (407 steps) because I was a slug that day and did nothing except try to sleep off a headache I had.

Yesterday was a little less stellar, but not bad overall. My points were 33.1 for the day, using up Flexpoint #20. If I want to stay at no more than that for the week, I have to hit 32 bang-on today and tomorrow. I have to make an actual decision on this because of something coming up tonight. (More on that later.)

I got in all of the WW guidelines yesterday, but didn't quite get my personal fibre target (21 out of 25) and went over on my sodium (3218 mg, vs. my 2400 mg limit). The sodium, by the way, was doing just fine until I had the Bacon Ranch Salad (with Grilled Chicken) at McDonalds. (Why they feel the need to add 1030 mg of sodium to that one little piece of chicken is beyond me. I wonder if I can request no seasoning added or if it comes in the truck that way.) I did a little better with the pedometer (1646 steps) but still nothing like I do on a day I work.

So that brings us to today. Friends of mine from Connecticut (friends I met through my late dog, actually) are part of an RV caravan that's swinging through my town. They arrive this afternoon and we're going out to dinner tonight. I am sitting here trying to decide if I want to eat nothing but lettuce and celery all day, or if I want to dip into some of those fifteen flexpoints I said I wouldn't use this week.

I have to use six points just on the oil and milk products alone. If I have a bag of frozen vegetables for lunch, that'll keep the points low (2.7) and help me get in about 17 g of my 25 g of fibre. (The hard part will be ignoring the vending machines in the staff lunch room, so I'll take a 2-point Kit Kat Single to defeat that.) That will leave me with about 23 points for supper. They have left it up to me as to where we go, but they're driving a 30-foot RV (my car is still dead), and the only place nearby that I have points for is Pizza Delight.

(I'm thinking out loud here -- you get that, right?)

So if we go to Pizza Delight and I order a Fajita Flat'za (10.3 points) and a Caesar Salad (10.6 points), I can get in the rest of my protein that way, so the only thing I'll be falling short on is fibre. But I'll eat 7 g of Fibre 1 cereal and that will top me up, for a grand total of 32.1 points and meeting all of the WW and personal nutritional targets.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a plan. :)

Someone Saved My Life Last Night.

2007-06-26T12:06:00.000-03:00

Okay, so maybe I'm being a bit overdramatic, but still.

Last night was graduation at the high school where I teach. I'm a pretty emotional kind of girl, so little things like saying goodbye to "my kids", knowing I'll never see some of them again is a pretty big thing. Add to that the fact that I was also saying goodbye to a mentor who is retiring, having someone mention a memorial for a recent graduate who was killed in Afghanistan, and my being quite invested in one particular student's crossing of the stage, and I was pretty much a basket case.

In recent years, the staff has had kind of a party going on in the staffroom while a simulcast of the ceremony is broadcast on the wall. Now, you may remember that after the ice cream incident yesterday, I had absolutely no wiggle room left for the night, and almost nothing left for the week. Being in the staffroom with my friends, all of whom were offering me tonnes of yummy food, while I was hyped up emotionally ... Well, you get the idea. But I said no to everything: the sausage rolls, the cheesies, the chips, the chicken fingers ... all of it. But it was wearing me down, and by the time all of the students had received their diplomas, I had decided that I was going to give in and have a piece of the graduation cake at the reception in the gym.

All the way down to the gym, I was joking with a couple of friends about getting all the cake before the kids got there. Ohhhh, cake. Yummy cake. I was only going to have a small piece, I told myself, because graduation only comes once a year, et cetera, et cetera. Who cares that I had no points left? Gimme cake!

So I strutted triumphantly into the still-empty gym, and stopped dead in my tracks.

The woman cutting the cake was my friend and WW-meeting-pal, Beth.

We said our hellos, she introduced me to her fellow cake-cutter, and I took a couple of pictures of the cake. Finally I leaned over and said to her, "Am I ever glad to see you. Don't let me have any of this, okay?"

And so I didn't have any. Just seeing Beth there was enough of a jolt back to reality, and I smartened up.

Phew -- that was a close one.

I think I've just committed a crime.

2007-06-25T13:12:00.000-03:00

So, while at the grocery store the other day (the day I spotted the cake we won't mention), I saw some new ice cream: President's Choice Pecan Butter Tart. I picked it up, looked at the info, figured it would be about 6 points a cup and brought it home, where I promptly discovered it was 8.4 points a cup. Oops.

Well, since then I haven't been able to get through the day without the stuff, and I keep thinking about it way too much. I'm also trying to keep my sugar to a reasonable level, and let's just say this stuff is murderous.

So an hour ago I decided it was time to take back control. I went downstairs, grabbed a bowl, measured out a good-sized (not "good" as in "healthy" but "good" as in "goooooood") portion, and then threw the rest of the container in the sink, under the tap. I had to turn my head before I "hit the switch" and sent the rest of the ice cream bubbling down the drain.

Oh, that hurt. Almost as much as kissing my flexpoints goodbye. But at least it's taken care of, and it's still only Monday. If I had to have a binge, better today than later in the week. Now it's gone from the house, and I can just focus again. (And for once I didn't decide that the easiest way to get rid of it was by eating it! High-five to me.)

Every step I take, every move I make ...

2007-06-25T07:51:00.000-03:00

It's Monday morning and I'm feeling a little bleary-eyed, but I am already wearing my pedometer. (It clips just as easily to my jammies as my jeans. Go figure.)

One of the things I have learned in this journey is that it is very important for me to be aware. I've learned with things like the nachos and the pineapple upside-down cake: once I have the knowledge of just how bad something is for me and my program, it's much easier for me to not give in to the cravings. The more my brain is engaged, however sneakily it gets there, the easier of a time I have it.

I'm pretty inactive most of the time I'm not at work. I love my computer, and I love naps, and since those are both points-friendly, I've had no problems with either one. But I know, deep inside, that I really need to be getting more exercise. That's why I keep joining (and quitting) gyms. I know I should be doing more. But do I get there? No.

So I'm starting out slow. Back in the recesses of my mind, I know that someone somewhere said that a good guideline for walking each day involves 10,000 steps. Up until I started wearing the pedometer, that meant nothing to me. How far is 10,000 steps? How much walking is that? It's like trying to picture myself at goal -- I don't know what it looks like.

I started wearing the pedometer last week, just to start getting in the habit. This week I am writing down my pedometer total readings each night as a way of slowly becoming more aware. I'm finding now that, where I really didn't care before, if the number of steps is pitiful I have an urge to do something about it.

This is not exercise. I hate exercise and simply will not do it. It's like my body is programmed against exercise. This, however, is something else. This is getting my inner "teacher's pet" to try to get a higher score (ie number of steps). She's a data junkie. She looks at the numbers at the end of the day and not only wants to pass, but feels she must get an A. In other words, this is me sneakily involving my subconscious, and it seems to be working.

I will add pedometer totals to my goals for next week. For now, my goal is simply to wear it and write it down.

I'm also going to figure out what I'm doing with the website in the next few days. Once I know, I'll let you know.

Re-Boot Week 1 - The Week That Was

2007-06-23T17:12:00.000-03:00

WW Weigh-in Last Saturday: 260.6
WW Weigh-in This Morning: 254.6
Result of this week's hard work: DOWN 6.0 LBS!
WW Total Loss: 34.6 lbs. off since August 13, 2005.

This past week I accomplished:
- I journalled each and every single thing I ate for the entire week.
- I had the oil 5 out of 7 days.
- I started wearing the pedometer as a way of measuring how active I am. I am now much more conscious of how much I do or don't move in the run of a day.
- I didn't go over my points for the week. (Still had 5 flexpoints remaining.)
- I was in control 99% of the time.

For this coming week, I commit to:
- Continuing to journal faithfully/honestly.
- Wearing the pedometer each day and recording how many steps I take.
- NOT BUYING THE FREAKING PINEAPPLE UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE (10.4 points each)!!!
- Really watching the sugar and sodium.
- At least five Frank and Jim blog entries.
- Having the oil at least six out of the seven days.
- Using no more than 20 flexpoints for the week.

Those evil bastards.

2007-06-22T20:14:00.000-03:00

I'm not one of those waist-watchers who has to battle chocolate urges. Chocolate doesn't do it for me. Don't misunderstand -- I like it -- but if I'm going to have what I want to have, well, let me eat cake.

My absolute favourite cake of all time is pineapple upside-down cake. I remember Mom making it when I was a kid, and I absolutely loved it, couldn't get enough of it, would have devoted an entire scrapbook to it, made Barbie make it for Ken -- you name it, pineapple upside-down cake was on the table in my happiest of happy places. And my Mom made the best.

So, here I am, having just completed a successful week of being back on program, and Hubby and I are off getting the groceries. I'm making healthy choices and patting myself on the back, and for once in my life, I'm not craving anything at the grocery store. Everything is going along just fine, until BAM!!! The five-foot FREAKING BILLBOARD advertising President's Choice's new Pineapple Upside-Down Cake. And it's on sale!

Well, I run over to the display like a madwoman, leaving a trail of drool in my wake, only to find that there is forty-two points' worth of cake in that box. Each individual cake is "only" ten points, but who am I kidding? That box would never see a refrigerator. And so I cried, I whined, I moped, I pleaded with The Points Gods -- and I left it sitting there. I only took a picture of it to share with you [although I'm pretty sure that I scared the employee with my Glare of Death (tm) when he looked like he might question me.]. And now I'm sitting here trying not to think about it, and I just know I'm going to dream about a pineapple upside-down cake buffet.

Okay, folks -- when I get to goal, I'm going to buy the damn things. And I'm going to eat them. I don't care if I'm eighty-six-years-old by then, I'm going to eat them and they are going to be good.

So there!

Devil on the Left Shoulder, Angel on the Right ...

2007-06-20T18:21:00.000-03:00

Today was an awesome on-program day. I think I can safely say this because I met all the WW healthy guidelines, met my own "added healthy guidelines", and it's nearly 6:30 PM and I still have 2.6 points left for the day. Here comes the popcorn, baby!

While I was standing outside the store where I work, waiting for Hubby to pick me up, I suddenly found myself laughing hysterically. If I looked to my left, there it was: Boston Pizza, which is probably my favourite restaurant these days. A good chunk (no pun intended) of the weight I've put back on was bought and paid for at that particular establishment. Then, if I looked to my right, there it was -- the WW Centre. Too funny.

Once I got home, though, I decided to go online and do some investigating on the Boston Pizza website. You see, once I know how many points something is, it's often enough to make me stop wanting it. My brain, apparently, has the power to override the stomach, so long as it has enough ammo (ie nutritional info) and no massive emotions are involved. I looked up the nachos (ohhhhhh, the nachos) and when I saw the points (39!), I heard a REJECTION sticker being slammed down somewhere in my head.

So, just for fun, I am now sitting here listening to 80s music and typing all of the Boston Pizza nutritional info into a spreadsheet which I can then load into my Palm. As I'm entering info, I'm seeing things that are heart attacks waiting to happen, but also some things that I could work in without too much trouble. And I've decided that, once I have the info in the Palm, I'm going to start treating myself to Boston Pizza from time to time, in order to keep myself from feeling deprived. One of the things I like best about eating at restaurants is simply that I sit there and am served like a queen. What they serve me usually isn't as important.

Anyway, back to my typing.

(Anyone reading this? Or has everyone given up on me because of the lack of updates? *grin*)

Housekeeping.

2007-06-19T08:00:00.000-03:00

After trying to get the tickers to stop updating every single post I've used them in, I gave up and just put them in the sidebar. That probably makes more sense anyway. If you look, you'll notice that I'm down 4.4 lbs since I "re-booted" on Saturday. This pleases me enormously because I don't actually think it's water weight this time. I drank tonnes of water last week in Ontario (and surprised my companions with just how fast I could down it when I'm hot!).

Hubby has not yet commented on the Justin Timberlake loop that's been emanating from my office for a half-hour now. I think he's just filed it under the "Wifeykins is weird" category.

Yesterday was not perfect, program-wise, but I still hung on. I didn't get in my three litres of water I aim for (but got two), and I was a little high on the sodium end of things (3107 mg -- yikes!), and you know the oil didn't happen. (If a box doesn't get filled in, that would be the one.) I didn't get all of my fruits and veggies either, but probably got four servings, so that's okay. I only used four flexpoints, and went to sleep to the serenading of my empty stomach instead of getting up and stuffing my face. In other words, we're still "all systems go".

I'm thinking about overhauling the website. It still has the same basic design I gave it almost two years ago, and I don't think it's really working for me anymore. But I'm still pondering what to do with it. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

The first week being back on program is always the hardest. I know that. At a meeting a few weeks ago, a lady shared her mantra and I've been using it a lot the past few days: "Suck it up, Princess!" (Maybe I need to make a magnet with that on it?) So far, so good, but I won't declare myself as totally back on track until we're about three weeks in. Then I'll know for sure.

Time for breakfast. Nummy!

Re-Boot!

2007-06-18T07:31:00.000-03:00

Well, I did it. I went away, ate my way across three provinces (having whatever I felt like having and then some, including a "Trucker's Special" that even *I* couldn't finish), and then I came home and went back on program on Saturday. And I'm very pleased about that.

Saturday was a completely "on-program" day. I think I've figured out a way to get the oil in without being cranky about it. I take it (like medicine) first thing in the morning. That way I'm not sitting there going "Would I prefer popcorn or oil?" at the end of the day. We got groceries and I got "good stuff", making sure not to buy too many low-point yummies so that I'm not tempted to just sit down and plough through it.

Yesterday was a bit of a challenge, but I'm pleased with how I handled it. I had to work from 11:45 to about 5:45 yesterday, so I figured I wouldn't be doing the Father's Day Meal Out, since Dr. Munchkin had asked what I was doing for the afternoon. Well, things changed and Dr. Munchkin called to invite me to join the gang for breakfast at Cora's *before* I went to work. So I said "Sure!".

Well, Cora's is a decadent, all-day breakfast restaurant with lots of yummy, comfort-type food. I'd never been there before, so I went online on the off chance that they had their nutri-info available. They didn't. But I realized that, due to timing, that meal would be both breakfast and lunch (I hadn't eaten anything yet), and that would give me a fair bit of leeway.

(This is the part I'm particularly proud of and indicates to me that my head is really back in the game again.)

So I looked at the menu and found myself going, "Okay, that's protein there, and that will allow me to check off x-number of fruits/vegetables, and that's a milk ..." In other words, I was thinking in terms of "food units". I ordered quite a bit (and put it all away, including the lettuce garnish, because, hey, it's a vegetable), and I'm not sure what the calorie count was, but it was up there (sausages, whipped cream and custard, even amongst massive amounts of fruit, will do that). But where I normally would have said, "Well, there goes *that* week" because I didn't know what to do for the info, I instead decided to just eat very little when I got home at supper, and to make sure I don't use more than 20 flexpoints this week.

Since I'm journalling in both my Weight-By-Date software and my little three-month WW journal, I just wrote a note on the computer as to why only "afternoon snack" and "dinner" were listed. In my little WW journal, I wrote in everything I ate (except the lettuce -- it's just green solid water), and under the points columns, I just wrote "Breakfast at Cora's - No idea of info, etc.".

So I was in control yesterday -- both in what I was eating, and my attitude. In short, I ROCK!

Speaking of "rocking" ... A few weeks back, Rosy and I are were talking about how we both want to regain our "fifty pounds off" status and get those snazzy little medals for our WW keyrings. At some point in the conversation, I said, "When I get fifty back ...". Well, Rosy, musically-inclined girl that she is, immediately started laughing, thinking of Justin Timberlake's song, "SexyBack". We jokingly said "FiftyBack" should become our theme song.

Well, I've decided that I'm going to play "SexyBack" in a loop in the background for a little while each morning as a focusing thing while I'm doing email, et cetera.

So I'm back, and so are the tickers. I've lost 0.8 lbs. since Saturday morning and I'm fine with that. After all, it is only Monday.

Back in the saddle again.

2007-06-02T09:26:00.000-03:00

It feels like a couple of hundred years since I've posted anything here. This business of working three jobs (substitute teaching, tutoring, and training/working as a framing associate) is really taking up the hours. Things will be settling down very soon, though, and I think I'm pretty relieved about that!

A couple of weeks ago (May 18), Hubby gave me a wonderful, incredibly thoughtful gift for our eleventh wedding anniversary. I guess over the eleven years, he's realized that I'm still just as much a horse nut as I ever was as a kid. So for our anniversary he presented me with gift certificates for *four* trail rides up at Rockwood Park. I am both excited and nervous about this. I can't wait to go, but, on the other hand, I have serious concerns. I haven't been on a horse in 25 years. Am I going to be able to haul myself up into the saddle? (No way will I use a mounting block. If I can't do it myself, I don't want to do it at all.) Will I be too heavy for the horse?

I'm using this gift as a motivator. I weighed in at 256.6 at WW this morning. The gift certificates expire in October, so I have to use them before then. I think I'd be comfortable trying it at around the 230-235 pound mark, because I know that there are men out there who ride horses at that size. So I'm setting my sights on that. (That will also allow me to regain my status of 50 pounds off, and I get the funky little medal for my keychain.)

My "reboot" date is June 16th. By then I will be back from my week-long trip to Ottawa (staying at family's place, so can't really control what I eat, other than portion size, very well), and two of these jobs will be out of the way. So I will be able to focus. And I'm looking forward to that. I can't remember if I told you or not, but I won a six-month WW membership at our centre's open house a few weeks ago. It expires November 3, and there's a slight chance, if I work really, really hard, that I might be able to have my weight start with a "1" by then. And if not, I'll be a heck of a lot closer to it than I am now.

Anyway, just thought I'd check in and tell you I'm still out here, and what I'm up to. In many ways, it's the "same old-same old", and in other ways, it's an exciting beginning.

Busy, busy, busy ...

2007-05-11T09:39:00.000-03:00

Hey -- how's it going?

Things are looking up around here. I now have three jobs (yes, three -- that's not a typo) of varying degrees. I'm still substitute-teaching. I am also tutoring a student who has been out of school for several months due to medical issues, and now I work part-time at Michaels. In other words, my life is fuller, and I'm happier. Swamped, but happier.

The car is getting worse by the day, and I'm not driving it any more than I absolutely have to. This is kind of bugging me, not just because I have no idea how long it will take for me to put away enough cash to get it fixed, but because I'm restless today, and I would like nothing better than to hop into the car and just go for a drive. Take the camera and see where I wind up. Oh well. The lottery can be a beautiful thing, maybe.

On the plus side, though -- I found out last week that I was the lucky winner of a six-month WW membership! I was THRILLED! You see, with everything that was going on, I thought for sure I was going to have to quit, and I was seriously disappointed. All I could see in my mind's eye was that 100-lb. medal for my keyring slowly fading from view. And then I realized that, even if I'm not exactly "in the game" at the moment, I'm still in the stadium. Before, I would have looked for any excuse to quit.

With my new, very busy life, I'm going to have to learn to plan, and that bodes well for the weight loss thing. I'm going to have to figure out when to cook and what to buy and what to pack. I haven't started the detox thing yet because I'm getting settled into this new routine and I'm still getting the murderous headaches. But I dug out the menu and printed it out, so when I have a chance, and when the food stocks are a little lower in the house, I'm ready.

Okay, I know there's something I'm supposed to be doing right now. Where is that list?

Detox

2007-05-02T22:31:00.000-03:00

Yeah, yeah, I know ... you were about to call a search party. *grin*

Well, it's like this. I'm about to be getting a lot more exercise because my car needs $928 worth of work in order to pass inspection at the end of the month. I'm so stressed about this and other financial matters, plus having my yearly "what am I going to do with my life?" attack, that I'm now clenching my jaw all night as I sleep. This has led to an aching mouth and headaches 24/7 for the last ten days or so and requires an expensive (but very cute, mind you) piece of dental equipment and the Big Sister discount from Dr. Munchkin only goes so far.

Oh, and I'm out of WW coupons too.

On the plus side, I've decided that I'm going to do a massive detoxification of my life: mind, body, and spirit. Just because I haven't been around these parts much (and have been spending too much time with the King of Burgers), it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about things. And I've been thinking big thoughts.

First of all, I've got to get rid of the sludge in my body. (I know that's the technical term -- I read it on the Internet!) So I'm gradually cleaning the house out of low-points but high-salt-and-sugar items, and once it's all gone, I'm going back to basics for at least three weeks.

Once upon a time, I went to a diet centre known about these parts as the Diet Nazi. While I wasn't exactly successful there (my enthusiasm waned faster than my waistline), I did like their "back to basics" approach when it came to their first three weeks. Basically, they cut out starches, upped the protein and fruits/veggies, and limited the sugar. I couldn't do the cottage cheese (the stuff literally makes me gag), but the rest of it was okay. I still have the menus, and between my Weight By Date software and my WW materials, I can check to make sure I'm getting everything I need nutrition-wise while doing the Diet Nazi Detox for three weeks.

I'm lazy -- that's my downfall, and I know it. That's why I'm such a "food in the box" girl. But I'm concerned with how much crap is in the average North America diet, and I know a lot of it is due to processed foods. So I'm going to try to cut down. Or maybe even cut out. We'll see how it goes.

Speaking of the North American diet ...

"Gluttony" is one of the seven deadly sins, and I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else. Sometimes I think my name must be "Buffet", because I go running whenever I hear the word. The first time I remember thinking "that's obscene", though, was when I saw the ad for the BK Quad Stacker. I'm sorry, but no one needs that much burger, and certainly not as part of an upsized combo. And the more I saw that ad, the more that it sunk in that we, in this society, are really becoming pigs at the trough.

As I said, I'm just as guilty as everyone else, if not even more so. Let's face it -- I didn't hit this weight by eating reasonable portions. But I think that they should intersperse the fast food ads with ads for starving people in Africa and food banks/homeless shelters here in North America. I think we need reminders that we are taking so much more than we need. We need to remember how to eat to live, and not live to eat.

The other thing that hit me, too, was when I realized that I was probably eating far too many animals than I really needed to. I'm a vegetarian in my heart, but my stomach is an omnivore. The proportion of my diet made up of meat is fairly small, but the more I eat, the more meat I eat. How many chickens did I eat the last time I had my fill of chicken balls at the Chinese buffet?

I'm detoxing. I'm changing not only my eating habits, but I'm changing my mind. I'm letting all those little ideas that have been simmering in the back take centre stage.

And I think I'll be better for it.

Another week almost down

2007-04-26T19:17:00.000-03:00

I haven't really been on program this week. I haven't been terribly off program either. I just haven't been tracking.

My car is in the shop again. This means no cash to spend on fast-food and possibly having to walk everywhere from now on.

Not my ideal way to stay on program but one must find a bright spot in everything, right?

Pondering Yields Emporium.

2007-04-15T01:38:00.000-03:00

For the last little while, I've been trying to think my way out of something. Between the cost of my WW meetings, the gym, the website, and even the cost of healthier food, it gets expensive. I've been trying to think of a way to perhaps subsidize all of this, even if it's just to a tiny degree.

I've seen lots of websites and blogs with "make a donation" Paypal buttons on them, but that's simply not for me. I'm just not a "something for nothing" kind of girl. So I've come up with a solution that allows me to be creative, to perhaps help spur on a few other people with the same struggles as me, and maybe earn a few pennies here and there as well.

Introducing Frank and Jim's Emporium. There are only a few products available right now, but I plan to expand as time goes on. My idea is to create things that might make someone else's journey just a little bit easier -- things I'd be likely to pick up myself. I hope you like my efforts, and if you decide to pick something up, that's great too.

Note: Any revenue generated from the Emporium will go directly towards my weight loss journey. (Not one penny of the proceeds will go to anyone named Ben or Jerry. *grin*)

Consequences

2007-04-14T20:46:00.000-03:00

So after dinner with my cousin, I came home to discover Hubby was taking a nap. I wandered into my office to try to distract myself from the truly painful feeling in my stomach. So I did what I often do when I need a good distraction -- I started planning some scrapbooking lay-outs.

Next thing I knew, it was one-thirty in the morning. (I guess that after a month of being off the stuff, the caffeine in the Diet Pepsi was like high-octane!) I'd forgotten to wake Hubby, so he had "napped" far too long and was now wide awake, watching a horror movie on the TV in the bedroom.

I came into the bedroom and grabbed some headphones and the PDA so I could drift off to sleep to something other than screaming. But as I lay there, still feeling awful, I began to become aware of an increasing pressure growing in my chest, and some burning discomfort making itself known between my shoulder blades. I tried to drift off to sleep, but it kept getting worse. Next thing I know, I'm looking up "heart attack symptoms women" in Google and talking with Hubby, wondering if maybe we ought to go up to the hospital.

Well, we didn't go. I began burping like a grade nine boy with something to prove, and eventually I got to sleep. Four hours later, I got up to go to my WW meeting.

When I was in college, I distinctly remember people describing their drinking habits that night before as "getting polluted". Well, when I got up this morning, that's how I felt: polluted. I felt as if a toxic waste dump had somehow been let loose in my abdomen. Over the years of hearing people at WW meetings talk about "feeling awful" when they ate greasy food after eating well for a long period of time, I always joked I wish I had that problem -- that it always tasted good. Well, this morning, I knew what they meant.

Before going to WW, I hopped on my home scale to see that I was up four pounds over yesterday, and I felt like it should have been more. I felt like I had an anvil in my gut.

Be careful what you wish for, I say.

Sometimes smart girls do dumb things

2007-04-14T16:05:00.000-03:00

Yup. I'm the dummy.

It started with the purest intentions. My cousin and I had planned to go out to dinner last night, partly to hang out, and partly to plan a trip we're taking to Ottawa in June. We had decided on Jungle Jim's. Normally I would not eat a large meal the night before weigh-in, so I decided I would weigh in on Friday morning instead (and still attend my regular Saturday morning meeting.)

Then something went very, very wrong.

Somehow, somewhere between learning I'd regained my "thirty-five pounds off" level and getting to my car, I somehow convinced myself to go to lunch at Boston Pizza across the parking lot. My convoluted thinking? It was Friday, and even though I'd weighed in, it was still technically *last* week because my week runs Saturday to Friday. In other words, I decided that the rest of the day was a legal free-for-all. (Yeah, right.)

So I went to Boston Pizza and I had the beef nachos with extra cheese and guacamole, and then I had the brownie sundae for dessert. I was full as I headed home, but decided that I'd be fine in time for my 6:30 dinner as long as I took a nap. (In other words, do nothing but sleep while that mass of food lay in my stomach for hours.)

The nap didn't happen, however -- the phone kept ringing. Frustrated, I then learned that dinner had been moved up to 6:00 PM. (Well, she said she was available earlier and I said sure!)

As I was getting ready to meet her, I'd discovered that the pictures I had scanned from her were no longer on my computer for some reason. So I hurried to try to get them scanned and was late as a result. Then I couldn't find a parking spot, and then got frustrated by the one-way streets which seemed to be conspiring against me.

So I met my cousin, ordered basically a plate of crispy grease, and then had dessert for the second time in five hours.

Oh, and the Diet Pepsi I'd given up? I probably had two litres between the two restaurants.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. And it had its consequences.

Happy Day with KJ

2007-04-07T19:25:00.000-03:00

So, I went to WW this morning, and for the first time in weeks, I hopped on that scale as fast as my little legs would let me. And lo and behold, I was down 5.8 lbs! Woohoo!

I'm keeping my mind's eye on regaining the 50-lbs-off level so that I can add another "medal" to my keyring. I love those new awards. You can keep them with you anywhere without screaming "look at me -- I go to WW!". (Of course, having this blog pretty much does that for me, but you know what I mean.) They have four little disks/medals that fit on your 10-percent keyring: pewter-coloured for 25 lbs, bronze-coloured for 50 lbs (my next one), silver-coloured for 75 lbs, and then gold-coloured for 100 lbs. And I'm gonna get them all! *grin*

After WW, Hubby and I went grocery shopping, and I picked up some new yummies (both new kinds of the Thinsations). I also picked up a bag of high-fat BBQ Munchie Mix, but I made myself enter the nutritional info into the computer right away, then I took it back downstairs and divided it up into 50 g zip bags. That way it's impossible for me to unconsciously eat too much of it.

One of the things I've discovered in this journey is that I'm a person who "eats by the container". In other words, if I open a box or bag, I eat 'til it's empty. That's why I'm so glad they have all of these 100-calorie packs now, and the thin and single chocolate bars. It makes life so much easier on me. I've been teased at work a few times about it, to the point that I wanted to knock them on their skinny butts, but it really, really works for me. (Now, if we could just get me to the point that I don't eat whole frozen pizzas because that's the way they're cooked, life would be grand!)

I feel like my head is back in the game now, instead of me just hoping it is. It's like I've shaken off all the crap. I haven't felt this determined on my journey since the Saturday morning I insisted Hubby take me to WW less than 48 hours after having my gallbladder out.

Oh, and for those of you who might be wondering -- I didn't go get the cheeseburger. *grin*

'Twas the night before weigh-in ...

2007-04-06T22:49:00.000-03:00

I know I'm going to be "down" at the scales tomorrow morning, and that makes me happy. I'm not sure by how much, exactly, since I'm heading into Puffy Week, but it should be a few pounds.

That's not the big triumph for me this week, though. It's the fact that the first time in months I've made it to bed Friday night still on program.

It feels good.

So much for "easy".

2007-04-05T16:46:00.000-03:00

I want a cheeseburger so badly right now I could cry.

Hell has frozen over.

2007-04-04T18:31:00.000-03:00

I dug Jim out of exile and charged up some batteries for him.

I get it.

2007-04-04T17:58:00.001-03:00

I had an epiphany on Saturday, about why my weight loss train had derailed. I realized that when Vernice died last summer, and the resulting treatment of her family ("you're no really related, so you don't count"), it set off something big. Really, really big.

I've spent these months thinking that I was eating junk to make myself feel better, but actually I was eating to make myself feel worse. That "you're-no-good" voice that I thought was long dead was having a field day, and I was punishing myself, making that voice happy by proving I
was a failure.

Like the big bald guy says, "It's not what you're eating -- it's what's eating you." Now that I've figured it out, it's shockingly easy to stay on program this week.

Well, "easy" is relative, given that this is my "munchie" week. But hey -- I'm down about six pounds, so I'm not complaining too much.

Been doing a lot of thinking.

2007-04-01T19:57:00.000-03:00

Yesterday morning, I had an epiphany. I'm still sorting things out, but I'll tell you about it soon.

And, in case you're wondering, I've just finished my second fully-on-program day. :)

Ain't that the truth.

2007-03-31T09:45:00.001-03:00

"It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves." -- Edmund Hillary

More (much more) later.

No, I'm not dead.

2007-03-22T20:54:00.000-03:00

Hi, everyone. I know I've been really quiet lately. It's mostly because I've been pretty busy, but I also haven't exactly been dedicated to my weight loss journey either, and I have a hard time 'fessing up.

But I was thinking the other day. It hit me that my 20th-year high school reunion is coming up next year. Looking back to 1998, I remember being very dissatisfied with the amount of weight I had gained since graduation. I wasn't the "oh my God, look how fat she got" girl, but I was very conscious of my size.

So now that I'm starting to wake up with the longer days and warmer temperatures, I think I'm going to set my sights on the summer of 2008 and try to get close to goal by then.

And if I make it, they'd better have a reunion! :)

Diet Pepsi Addict No More

2007-03-11T09:16:00.000-03:00

Well, today is Day 7 with no Diet Pepsi. The headaches have mercifully calmed down, and I can't tell you how happy I am about that!

Some people have asked me why I decided to cut DP out of my life. Well, it was for a number of reasons, but the primary one was that I was drinking too much of it, and then not getting my water in as a result. I have decided to still drink pop, but I'm going to pick up Diet 7-Up instead. I like the taste, and best of all, because it has no caffeine, it can count as up to half of my daily water intake. It's harder to find if I'm out and about (like at a restaurant, for example), but I just have water instead if it's not available. (Not automatically saying "Diet Pepsi" is the hardest part!)

This week I sat down and made some commitments to getting myself back on track. I'm worried that I've forgotten them already, but this is what I think they are:

- Hop on the scale each and every morning. Some people can't do that, because it makes them obsessive. I find it focuses me, and on the days I don't do it, I'm totally off-program.

- Write everything down. Everything. Even if I can't figure out the points (I don't do so well when dining out if there's no info online), I'm still going to write it down. It means taking responsibility for what I have eaten, and being conscious of what it is I'm eating. No more "convenient forgetting".

- Find Jim (the exercise bike) and put him to some use. Last time I saw him, he was lying on his side under a bunch of boxes. I kid you not. The gym isn't working for me at the moment, but this is something I can do here.

I am ecstatic to see that it is foggy and raining out there this morning. Winter is on the way out! Woohoo!

Year Thirty-Eight Thus Far

2007-03-07T23:11:00.000-04:00

Monday was my thirty-seventh birthday. I tend to set"new year's resolutions" on my birthday. My commitment to eating healthier lasted only until an elderly friend surprised me with a red-ribboned box of Laura Secord chocolates.

Having said that, my "cold turkey" quitting of my Diet Pepsi habit is holding. There were a few moments today when I thought of turfing it, but I'm still holding on -- and my head is killing me.

I also managed to keep myself from going to the Chinese buffet, and skipping the Burger King I was going to have as a consolation prize. I just came home instead.

Less than three years now 'til my fortieth birthday. This is one deadly sin I'd love to have wrestled to the ground by then.

For crying out loud ...

2007-03-01T18:14:00.000-04:00

I'm sick. AGAIN!

Since you're wondering ...

2007-02-27T21:53:00.000-04:00

Hello, Gentle Readers. I know that things have been a little quiet around here lately. I just haven't had a whole lot to say.

The bad news? I keep gaining and losing the same ten pounds. The good news? I keep gaining and losing the same ten pounds. I'm in a bit of a "holding pattern" at the moment. Although spring is right around the corner, this is the most difficult time of year for me. They say it's always darkest before the dawn, and this time of year is rough. I have very little self-discipline where food is concerned, and I'm always starving.

I'm fighting the battle meal-by-meal, and I win some and I lose some. But the beauty of this thing is that I know I snap out of this the same time every year. (Right around St. Paddy's Day.) Hibernating bears wake up starving too -- maybe I have more in common with them than just the sleeping!

I haven't been to the gym in ages. I definitely need to start making that a priority. Besides sheer laziness and procrastination, I'm also a little scared of those dizzy spells I keep getting. My doc is sending me for bloodwork. Hopefully nothing is too out of whack.

Although I'm still craving and eating garbage, my attitudes towards food are changing. More later as I figure out how to better put it into words.

For now, I'm going to go to sleep so I don't have to hear my growling tummy any more tonight. *grin*

A little update

2007-02-21T22:33:00.000-04:00

The last few days, I've been ravenous, and I know it's just because I've been so cold. I've been using flexpoints like there's no tomorrow, and no matter how good I am for breakfast and lunch, I'm starving by the time I get home. Yesterday, I cooked two healthy pizzas, with the intention of sticking one in the fridge for lunch today. Well, I ate them both. And today, even though I resisted the pound cake in the staff room (by mock-sobbing into the couch, I might add), I had a big supper of pasta, ground beef and a few other things tossed in for good measure.

I know it will get easier in the coming weeks, and I know there's no deadline (besides wanting to be skinny RIGHT NOW). So I'm not going to beat myself up over it. As long as I'm going in the right direction -- and I should leave the 250s behind me within the next week -- then it's still progress. And that's good.

I'll just do the best I can on any given day. And I'll get there.

Happy Saturday!

2007-02-17T14:43:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note to say hello and to let you know that I not only got out of bed and got my butt to the early WW meeting, BUT I lost four pounds in the last two weeks. YAY! It was a great meeting (although I missed seeing a couple of people who have crazy schedules this week), and I was so happy to see one of the girls get her 50-pound ribbon. If you're reading this, YOU GO, GIRL!

We went and got groceries last night and I did a massive happy dance in the middle of "Temptation Aisle". We can now get 100-calorie packs of Doritos, SunChips, and Cheetos at my local grocery store. I'm sure they heard my gleeful shriek in produce (but that's okay, because they don't know me there). If Ben and Jerry's comes out with 100-calorie tubs of ice cream, then my life will be complete! (So what if they're the size of a teaspoon?)

I didn't make it to the gym today, though. I forgot to take food with me to WW (aside from a fruit snack thing), and I was starving by the time I got out of there. (I'd had an early supper last night, too, so I think that was part of the problem.) So I came home, and talked to SisKris on the phone, and had a strenuous three-hour nap instead. (Whaddaya mean, no activity points for that?)

So, that's the view from here today. The sun is getting stronger, and I'm feeling a little more like myself every day.

And I have 100-calorie Doritos.

Life, as they say, is good.

My Funny Valentine

2007-02-15T22:31:00.000-04:00

I've been a little "financially-challenged" lately, and so when it came time to suggest a Valentine's gift to Hubby, I had a brilliant idea. I asked him to buy me WW coupons.

Hubby took the time out of his crazy schedule and went into the WW centre on Monday. He asked them to pull my file in order to get my membership number, and then bought me ten weeks' worth of coupons.

A million women the world over would sock their husbands in the face if given this for Valentine's Day. But I can't tell you how much this meant to me, especially when he said he wanted me to live a long time. He worries about me. He's a man of few words, but the ones he chooses mean a lot.

And I promise I won't spend the extra fifteen dollars a week on Doritos. Or ice cream. (And that was hard to type!)

Monday, Monday ...

2007-02-12T13:01:00.000-04:00

Hello, everyone,

Yes, I'm still alive, but I need to warn you -- I'm a tad cranky. :)

I am sitting here dealing with my third major cold since November. This one, thankfully, seems to be leaving without the need for pills that look like they're sized for livestock, but my throat's sore and I'm feeling totally drained. I didn't even get up to go to WW on Saturday. My first thought this morning was a fervent prayer that the phone wouldn't ring for supply-teaching. I was in no shape to go, but I didn't want to have to say "no", either. I've been feeling very unreliable lately, and that bugs me. When it comes to work, I pride myself on being Old Faithful, and I just haven't been, lately.

Speaking of "old", it occurred to me last night that my birthday is in three weeks. It always kind of sneaks up on me, coming so close to Valentine's Day. I love my birthday. As a kid, I was always disappointed that it always fell in the middle of March break and so birthday parties were just about impossible. But now my birthday has a bigger significance to me. It heralds my favourite time of year -- The Melting Season. My heart always does a little happy dance at the first sound of running water outside, and my favourite smell in the world is melting snow.

Weight-loss-wise, I've learned some lessons this winter. I've learned that when I'm cold to the bones, I compulsively eat, and I don't stop until I actually feel full. I also eat more when I *have* a cold. (There's something about swallowing food that makes my throat feel better.) Hockey games and money in my pocket are a recipe for disaster, whether or not there's a weigh-in the next morning. And I've also learned that any gym membership in my name doesn't get a whole lot of use in the winter. I haven't yet learned how to combat these things, but recognizing them is the first step, right?

Still, I weighed myself this morning and I weighed about the same as I did around the first of January (254.4), so it's not all bad. Holding still is better than backsliding.

But ...

Thirty-seven in three weeks. How the heck did *that* happen?

Winter of my discontent.

2007-02-03T11:49:00.000-04:00

Actually, it's not all that bad. I'm just biologically opposed to winter. *grin*

Overslept this morning so I went to the second meeting rather than my regular 8 AM one. I was up three pounds, but part of that was the junk food last night (I have to figure out a way to deal with the hockey games) and part of it was probably the result of being at the gym twice this week.

I met with Kim (my personal trainer) yesterday, and we went through the weights circuit. I was glad, because I hadn't retained a whole lot of info from the orientation session, and I had no idea what I should be setting my weights at to start. Believe me, I am sore this morning (had a hard time even holding up my arm for an exercise sticker at the meeting!) but I'm glad I did it. Kim says to do weights twice a week, so I think I'll do them again tomorrow, and then on Wednesday.

After my WW meeting, I went to the gym, wanting to keep up my new tradition. But between being really sore and forgetting to bring breakfast with me, I didn't stay very long. I managed five minutes on the cross-trainer before getting too dizzy to continue. But I figure I at least got there, kept up my new habit, and got five minutes in, so hey. It's better than I was doing two weeks ago.

Today is the first Saturday of the month, so it is Treat Day. Knowing that we'd be going grocery shopping as soon as I got home, and knowing I hadn't eaten anything yet, I swung by the Burger King drive-thru on my way home. I decided that what I really wanted was a Whopper Jr. with cheese, and that I didn't really need the other stuff, so I just got the sandwich. It was yummy (and cheap!), and definitely worth the ten points. (The fries that I wasn't really craving and so I didn't get them would have been another five. Glad I didn't get them purely out of habit.)

Okay, time to head to the grocery store. Just thought I'd check in.

This post may not fall within your personal believability range. Viewer discretion is advised.

2007-01-27T10:28:00.000-04:00

Hi!

I just got home from going to WW, where I lost a whopping 7.2 lbs this week! We all know that five of it was the hockey junk from last Friday, but still -- I'm very pleased! And I regained my 35-pound sticker, so I'm very happy. Most important, this morning marked something even better: I spent all last week on program, for the first time in months. No cheating. No slip-ups. Program all the way.

And this morning I instituted a new tradition. I left WW, drove one parking lot over, and went to the eastern franchise of my gym (I've only gone to the one uptown before). I wasn't up to taking my co-worker Claudia's cycling class, but I'm going to build up to it.

I walked into the dressing room, and guess who was there? Teensy Cheerleader! We talked for a minute, and I apologized if I embarrassed her the other day at the orientation. I explained that I was just feeling very self-conscious and that when that happens, I tend to talk *way* too much. She said it was fine, no worries, and I felt much better about the whole thing, so that's good.

So I headed to the treadmill and decided to try out the WW 20-minute walk I'd gotten from my walking kit CD. (I put it on my LifeDrive so I could use it "on the go"). I managed to do fifteen minutes of it before I felt I had to stop for a bit. I figured fifteen minutes was more than I did any other day this past week. So I rested, and drank some water, and then went over to the recumbent cycle. I managed five minutes on it -- I started to get dizzy, so I decided to slow down and then stop. So twenty minutes' worth of exercise is still better than anything else I did this week, and my software says it was worth 235 calories (it adjusts for my weight, and I was pedaling the daylights out of that bike), so I'm not complaining. I'm still a bit amazed I got to the gym in the first place!

Today's topic at WW was about exercise. My leader says you get to a point where you love it. I'm skeptical, sweetie, but we'll see what happens. *grin*

"Be an After".

2007-01-26T15:37:00.000-04:00

I love the new WW ads I've been seeing. I love the whole "be an After" idea, with the way it encourages people to envision what they could become. I like the way that it subtly reminds us that "Before" is not a permanent state, that it's just a starting point, and that there's somewhere else to go. I don't think the ad even uses the word "Before" -- it knows that we know what they're talking about. Their target audience is people who have seen so many "before and after" photos, and deep down thought that they'd never make it. "Be an After" tells us that it is possible, no matter what the little voices in the back of our heads say.

The other thing I really love about this ad is that the people in it are so obviously real. The dead giveaway? "We lost OUR weight ..."

How many of us talk about "our" weight? We all do. It's a part of us. It belongs to us, and ultimately it's our responsibility. By saying "our", instead of "the", the ad hits so much closer to home. When you're overweight, and have been for a long time, that weight is an omnipresent force in your life. It affects each and every single aspect of your day. It owns you and you own it.

It truly is "our" weight, because it's not just some indefinite struggle. It's simply too big for the word "the".

I might be babbling here, but I really, really like that ad. And I will "Be an After".

No Gym.

2007-01-26T15:33:00.000-04:00

I was still awake until about 6 AM, but I knew I wasn't alert enough to drive. And today I've been up to my eyeballs in volunteer stuff all day, so it looks like it'll be tomorrow. My muscles are a little sore from yesterday, though -- it's kind of a neat feeling.

Counting sheep instead of points.

2007-01-26T03:20:00.000-04:00

I hate nights like this. I had trouble getting to sleep in the first place, and then I woke up an hour ago. Needless to say, I'm still awake. If I'm still awake at 5:00, I'm going to the gym.

Speaking of the gym, I finally made it to a weight-training orientation session. The good news: it was only me and one other person with the trainer. The bad news? The other person was one of my students -- and a teensy cheerleader at that! I feel the same way about learning something hands-on in front of someone the way a lot of people feel about public speaking. So although she's a really good kid, I felt pretty awkward in general. But I survived, and I think she did too, so it's all okay.

Remind me to tell you why I love the new WW television commercials. In the meantime, I'm going to try to PDA-Monopoly myself back to sleep. (There's something in the rolling of the virtual dice that often does the trick.)

Getting there (and a request)

2007-01-24T08:49:00.000-04:00

Hi. everyone!

Just doing a quick check-in. Hopped on the scale this morning and noticed I have hit a new low since January 1.

It's nice to see things moving in the right direction again!

I got an email from my webhost last night telling me I was starting to run out of space (I had a bunch of huge files just sitting there from months ago), so I decided to go through and see what was what. Just for the heck of it, I decided to look at my stats. I've had almost a thousand hits this month, from almost a hundred unique visitors! COOL!

Part of the reason this weight loss journey is working for me this time is because I'm "accountable to the world". This blog is what keeps me going. (Ever notice that when I disappear from here, things go to hell in a handbasket?) In other words, you people are what keeps me going. So I have a small favour to ask. If each person who reads this post could leave a comment, just a word or two if you like, so I can have an idea of how large my "cheering section" is, I'd really, really appreciate it. The blog allows anonymous comments, so you don't need to sign your name at the bottom of your comment if you don't want to. Just please use an initial or two so I can tell there are no duplicates. *grin*

Thanks, folks! It means a lot to me that you read this. You have no idea how much.

The Great Unveiling ...

2007-01-23T23:50:00.001-04:00

I LOVE IT! THANK YOU, PENNY! THANK YOU, JENN!

Well, I almost made it.

2007-01-23T05:19:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 4:00 AM, that magic hour which means I cannot, for the life of me, get back to sleep.

So I decided that if I were still awake at 4:45, I'd get up and go to the gym when it opened at 5:30 AM.

Great plan, except that I realized I'd have to find my clothes and shoes in the dark, plus the LifeDrive (AKA The Treadmill Music Machine) wasn't fully charged. So I'm still in bed, wide awake, making plans to put an "early morning gym kit" together tonight so I can grab it and go in the dark, and promising myself to plug in the LifeDrive before I go to sleep.

I weighed myself at 4 AM, and I was pleased to see that most of the five pounds I gained last week is gone. I'm back to weighing forty pounds less than I did when I started this website. The fact that I didn't gain it all back (like I did every other time before getting back on track) shows that, although it's still a daily struggle, I've learned something this time around.

I guess the most recent lesson is "be prepared for insomniac trips to the gym". *grin*

Things are going okay.

2007-01-21T20:42:00.000-04:00

So, I'm curled up in bed, writing this on the LifeDrive and little portable keyboard, with a booklight clipped to my pyjama collar so I can see the keys. The lights are off because it's easier to watch TV that way. Hubby and I are watching "Deal or No Deal", and I'm thinking back on my day.

Points-wise, I did really well. I ate all but 0.7 of my 32 points, and I got in most of my targets. I didn't get hardly any water in today, but other than that, I rocked. A good strong weekend usually means a good week for me.

But I have to get to the gym. I'm paying for it, it will be good for me, and I have to get there. It's just so ... damn ... cold out there. I shiver just thinking about it. I think, since I have to go out tomorrow night anyway, I'll go on the way to my camera club meeting. It'll be crowded, being suppertime, but that's okay.

Besides, I have my work cut out for me: SisKris is totally rocking this thing! I am so proud of her. (And, Dr. Munchkin, if you'd like to join in the friendly competition, you meet the DNA requirements!)

Okay, back to the television. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Ungh.

2007-01-20T07:24:00.000-04:00

Have you ever read The Little Prince / Le Petit Prince? If so, you will recognize this. If not, it makes a handy visual aide for what I'm about to tell you.

This is how I feel this morning -- like a snake who has eaten an elephant.

This week has been so-so, and yesterday was a total disaster. So, when I found myself in one of those "I'm gonna eat whatever the hell I want" moods at the hockey game last night, it was a total train wreck. It started with fries, pop (diet, of course), and a hot dog. Then there was the slice of pepperoni pizza, the apple-filled pretzel, an ice cream treat, and yet more pop (still diet, of course). I went to bed last night feeling like I was going to hurl. This morning, I just feel like I have a large boulder in my stomach.

Why do we do these things to ourselves?

So now I'm sitting here with a towel wrapped around my wet hair and procrastinating leaving the house and going to WW. One look outside screams "bleak Canadian winter", and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to crawl through the trunk to get into my car.

SisKris, I think you win this week, because your sister was an idiot. *grin*

S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y Night!

2007-01-13T19:25:00.000-04:00

I should be at the hockey game, but I've got the beginnings of my monthly migraine, and Hubby isn't feeling the greatest either, so we're home watching the webcast.

Weighing in at WW this morning was pretty good. I was down 0.6 pounds, which is fair, given that I've been about 80% on program this week, plus next week is my "puffy" week. SisKris did awesome her first week (more than four pounds), so that rocks!

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, but it will be either tomorrow or Monday. I'm looking forward to it.

Went looking for the WW snack cakes that SisKris told me she found in Halifax, but no luck at my local grocery store. No luck finding the WW cereal either. But we did go to the larger Superstore (it has more selection than the closer one), so I got some of the skim milk cheese I like, plus I found some new "snacky stuff". No WW snack cakes, though. Did I mention that? (pout)

Points-wise, I've had a good day. I haven't hit my personal targets for fibre or protein, but that's okay. One day won't kill me. I'm stuffed right now anyway, having eaten a large salad plus a PC Blue Menu frozen entree (Chicken Tikka Masala -- my fave) for dinner.

Life is good.

Hangin' in there ...

2007-01-10T12:49:00.000-04:00

I just got home from work. I was only scheduled for a half-day, and it's a good thing, as this cold is really doing a number on me. I had planned on going to the gym on the way home, because I really, really wanted to go today. I had packed my lunch and my gym clothes and sneakers, but by the time I got to the car from the school, I was so weak and wheezy that I realized I'd just be wasting my parking money if I went. Even walking around the classroom was almost too much for me today, so while I'm disappointed (and I really am -- that's the weird thing), I think I made the right decision. I'm just going to eat lunch and lay low the rest of the day, and hopefully I'll be in better shape tomorrow. I want to go at least two more times before the end of Saturday.

I had a battle with the Eating Machine last night and lost. Oh well -- at least it was early in the week. I was up on the scale this morning, but since it was a bag of rice cakes I blew through, I figure a lot of it is just from the salt. Not worrying about it -- just going to be better today.

Woohoo!

2007-01-08T16:30:00.000-04:00

Just got home from the gym (and my first appointment with Kim, my personal trainer) a few minutes ago. In short, it ROCKS!

Kim is wonderful! I was a little nervous about meeting her, partly because I tend to get along better with men than women, and partly because my "fat person voice" inside my head was trying to convince me she'd be an exercise nazi. But she is awesome!

We took my measurements and set up my program, starting off slow, and we worked out a bit on the treadmill, the elliptical trainer, and a recumbent bike. She's very encouraging and very in tune with me and my feelings and where I want to go with this. I really, really like her. (And, I have to admit, I think I impressed her when I asked if the calories burned gauge on the treadmill was taking my weight into account or was just based on an average. She said no one had ever asked that before, and that I obviously knew more than the average newbie.) Best of all, she's into running, so when I told her I'd like to do the 5K this year, she said it was definitely possible and we'd work towards it. We're a really good match, I think.

The only downside to the entire experience is that I got really dizzy when we were finished. (No comments from the peanut gallery, please. *grin*) We both figured it was probably due to the cold I woke up with this morning. My nose is stuffy and my throat is sore, and I'm traditionally a fainter when I get sick. Kim brought me a little fruit juice, and I was good to go. I'll have to remember to bring some with me for Wednesday, just in case.

Oh, and, before I forget, the person who joined WW in Halifax was my sister, aka SisKris. I just didn't want to announce it to the world without her permission. I'm really pleased she's doing this. I want her to be around a long, long time. :)

Monday morning.

2007-01-08T08:02:00.000-04:00

Greetings, and sorry for the silence of the last few days. I was away in Halifax, visiting family. Trips to Halifax are always a huge challenge for me, for many reasons:

1) The people I stay with grew up with the same bad eating habits I did.

2) Having lived in Halifax for a number of years while being nowhere-near conscious of what I was eating, I have some "must-go" restaurants that cry out to me if I am in the vicinity.

3) Regular mealtimes are not exactly within my control, and not part of their daily routine.

To make matters worse, my trip to Halifax was suddenly moved ahead by a couple of days because the weather forecast was going to get ugly. My plans of buying "good groceries", weighing and measuring, etc., flew out the window when I had an hour to get on the road.

Anticipating these challenges, the one thing I made sure I did before hitting the highway was to go to WW and weigh in. I was afraid that any trouble I might get into down there would negate my progress of going back on-program. Well, I'm pleased to announce that I dropped 2.6 lbs after three days! We all know that pace won't last (and that's probably a good thing) but it made me happy and gave me just the right boost to head down there.

Knowing that my craving to go to John's Lunch was going to be driving me nuts, I decided to nip it in the bud and get it over with. I suggested we go there for supper (knowing I had more than a week before my next weigh-in, and that I'd been good all day). I used to go there all the time when I worked at the psychiatric hospital next door, and John is the sort of fellow who treats you like you're family, no matter how long it's been. Add to that the fact that the food is awesome, and, well, I had to go. And it ... was ... goooood.

The next day was a challenge, as we went to a WalMart McDonald's for breakfast. They couldn't serve me a fruit and yogurt parfait because they were still frozen, so I had a small container of orange juice for breakfast. Yee-ha. Lunch, however, was awesome -- we went to Extreme Pita -- but it was one of those days when supper got delayed and delayed ... and after dropping off our shopping companion, I begged -- nay, demanded -- to be taken to the McDonald's drive thru so I could eat something. (It was 7:30 pm.) I have never scarfed down a cheeseburger so fast in my entire life. Not the healthiest of choices, but probably the fastest consumable protein option, and I could have opted for a Big Mac and didn't. On the way home, though, I spotted a place where I'd been told they had awesome "turkine" dinners. (Think turkey, stuffing, french fries, cheese and gravy. In other words, a heart attack in a box. When asked, I guessed it to be around 35-42 points.) Well, I had to have one, so I did.

The next day, however, was a turning-point. Not only had I finally gotten some "good groceries" the night before, but it was Day One of my week, and I was determined it would be a good week.

I asked my hostess to drive me to the early WW meeting, as I'd missed the meeting on Thursday (I only weighed-in). I knew that she had been thinking about doing something about her weight for a while, and I also knew that there was a "sit in on a meeting for free" promo going on, so I thought maybe she'd like to join me. She not only joined me, but joined WW as well. And I'm so glad. She's one of the most important people in my life, and I was afraid I'd lose her far too early if something didn't change. We spent most of the day with me showing her what I eat and when, and going through the Canadian Dining Out Guide in shock and horror. (Quad Stacker from Burger King, anyone? Only 26 points!)

So, Saturday I was totally on-program (with 7 flex) and yesterday I was also totally on-program (2 flex). I was going to go out to WW today to pick up a new "starter kit" (I left mine in Halifax because they were sold out down there), but it's storming and I'm not sure if they'll be open or not. I also have my first session with the personal trainer this afternoon, so I hope the roads are better by then.

So that's your update. I haven't yet worked out at the gym, since I went to Halifax early the day after joining and have just gotten back, but I'll let you know how I made out.

Now, pardon me, but I need food. *grin*

I went in looking for info ...

2007-01-03T16:56:00.000-04:00

... and wound up joining a gym.

Well, to be fair, I'd been debating joining this place since last May or so -- ever since I found out that they open at 5:30 AM. That means I can get there, do my thing, get home and get ready if I happen to be called in to work. The main thing I was worried about was parking, but they answered those questions easily for me, so that was that.

I have also signed up for one personal training session a month, and my first one is on Friday morning. I also have an orientation session for the equipment tomorrow at high noon.

It's a really nice place. They even have a "women's-only" section that's located right off the women's locker room. I'm kind of psyched about the whole thing, to be honest.

(Now, I'd feel much better about paying for it if I had some idea what the plasticky rattle in my car was.)

Workin' with Frank and Jim -- The Journal

C'mon Over!

Decision.

Coping

Not making the meeting today

Feeling a smidge emotional

Birthday Setback

The Aftermath of Sulking

(sulking)

Going okay

Day Two Almost Over

Riceworks Gourmet Brown Rice Chips

The First Night

Progress Gallery

I TOLD you I'd be back *grin*

Saturday

Still around

And another week begins ...

Welcome to Day Four!

Quick hello

Two days down ...

Watching TV last night ...

So far, so good.

Happy New Year!

Coming in 2008

Didn't go to WW yesterday

Tick-tock to Christmas

Confessions

Home from WW

Another Day One

Words of wisdom

New find!

Closing down the website.

All fixed.

Tweaking things around here.

Just so you know ...

I don't want to play anymore.

Fatigue

(sigh)

Busy, busy, busy ...

Fabulous new piece of exercise equipment.

New Morning, New Start

Move it on over ...

Breakthrough!

I'm back.

Hiatus.

Yup, it's another one of *those* weeks ...

Hmmmmm...

Monday, Monday ...

Re-Boot Week 3 - The Week That Was

Bumpy week.

Quick update

It started badly ...

Just so you know ...

Thursday morning update

Someone Saved My Life Last Night.

I think I've just committed a crime.

Every step I take, every move I make ...

Re-Boot Week 1 - The Week That Was

Those evil bastards.

Devil on the Left Shoulder, Angel on the Right ...

Housekeeping.

Re-Boot!

Back in the saddle again.

Busy, busy, busy ...

Detox

Another week almost down

Pondering Yields Emporium.

Consequences

Sometimes smart girls do dumb things

Happy Day with KJ

'Twas the night before weigh-in ...

So much for "easy".

Hell has frozen over.

I get it.

Been doing a lot of thinking.

Ain't that the truth.

No, I'm not dead.

Diet Pepsi Addict No More

Year Thirty-Eight Thus Far

I TOLD you I'd be back grin

Yup, it's another one of those weeks ...